Primates

Another Mother’s Day for Jody

May 9, 2021 by Anthony

It’s Mother’s Day.

At the sanctuary, our celebration of this special day always includes a birthday party for Jody. Her actual date of birth is missing from her original records, but the date aligns with both Jody’s history as a biological mother and her honorary status as the group’s “den mother.”

Like Jody, Annie, Foxie, Missy and Negra (four of the sanctuary’s eight female chimps) also had offspring during their tenure as “breeders” in the laboratory. Altogether, we believe they gave birth to at least twenty-five infants. The newborns were each taken from them shortly after birth by the company that owned the chimps, and the separated infants were destined to be raised by humans in nurseries and sold as biomedical research subjects. At the time, this was a life sentence for chimps.

As advocates began to successfully pressure the laboratories to retire their captive chimpanzees from research, some of the aforementioned offspring were lucky enough to find sanctuary homes. In fact, Missy’s daughter Honey B found her way to CSNW thirteen years after her mother- almost three decades after they were pulled apart at birth. The two don’t seem to recognize each other or have any special bond, which is unsurprising given that chimpanzee social bonds are maintained through lifelong interaction and communication, not mere genetic relatedness or physical likeness. Still, they sometimes behave in ways that reveal some similarities that may be more than just coincidence, giving a bit of magic to their familial relationship.

I won’t add much more since we have written about this topic in the past and I feel like other staff could offer more heartfelt and insightful perspectives than mine. All I have to say is that, as someone who watches Jody interact with her companions and surroundings on a daily basis, she is a natural protector and shepherd to all around her.

Jody would have been an excellent mother to those nine children. She got robbed of that experience, and so did they.

The gravity of that injustice cannot be expressed through any words that I know.

The best that we can do now is provide Jody and her friends with a safe and comfortable sanctuary home, with opportunities to live a fulfilling life, and tirelessly advocate for non-humans who are still being exploited elsewhere.

So, on this well-deserved Mother’s Day, we celebrated not just Jody but all the mothers in our lives who have helped us to grow, learn, and live meaningful lives. We’re thankful that you exist and we love you all.

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Finally, since I was unable to take many photos while filming the embedded video, Chad was willing to share some images he captured of the big event!

Annie:

Jody:

Missy:

Burrito:

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P.S. Just in case you missed the usual title pun, I almost named this post “JO Mother, Where Art Thou?” but decided to keep it a bit more serious this week. I’ll think of something really corny for the next post. I promise.

An Honest April Fool’s Day

April 1, 2021 by Anthony

It was so, so hard to retrain myself today. After all, it’s the first day of the fourth month of this year, making it → A P R I L F O O L ‘ S D A Y ←, the best day of the year for light-hearted shenanigans.

Unfortunately, it’s not easy to come up with feasible pranks around here. We can’t play dramatic jokes on the chimps because so much of their daily routine is done just the way they like it and mixing things up can cause a lot of confusion. We also take safety very seriously, so surprising each other with unexpected circumstances can be risky, too. On top of all that, we’re just too darn busy to go around the sanctuary playing practical jokes on each other and cleaning up the resulting messes.

That leaves one plausible alternative: trying to fool all of you.

I considered writing a fake blog post that would be somewhat absurd but almost believable. The champions of this art form are the writers at The Onion who have made satirical hoaxes into their own brand of journalism. They miss their target occasionally, but most of their stuff is on point. The Onion has been in the game for a long time, giving their staff time to cover all sorts of topics, from politics to science. If you want to read some of their animal-themed articles, I recommend:

“Jane Goodall Announces She’s All About Lizards Now”

“Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday”

“Zookeepers Confirm Pandas Not Mating Because They’re Scared of Messing Up Friendship”

Over the past couple of days, I mulled over some Onion-esque headlines that I could share today in an attempt to prank our blog followers. The actual, verified news in 2021 has been weird enough, giving me some inspiration. For example, I could have posted that:

We traded the cattle for a herd of goats because… you know.. goats.
J.B. made Burrito’s “Hey Girl” portrait into an NFT and sold it for $18.1 million
Missy and Annie are leaving the sanctuary to go on that cross-country road trip they’ve always talked about
Honey B is dropping her first studio album, titled Soap Bucket, under the pseudonym “Money B”
The crew divided Young’s Hill into ten smaller enclosures so the chimps can follow social distancing guidelines

The worst idea of them all was one so diabolical that I almost feel guilty for even thinking it up. I genuinely considered telling you all that today’s blog post would be the final one… EVER.

It was nearly perfect, as far as pranks go. Crucially, it’s actually quite believable. Apart from routine caregiving, the expansion has been the main priority for us lately. This growth necessitates fundraising for the new greenhouses, coordinating with contractors, painting and furnishing the new playrooms, and getting the records in order for the six chimpanzees we hope to welcome this summer. We are truly looking for ways to streamline our day-to-day operations to compensate for all the new tasks we’ve added to our schedules, and there’s now a precedent for spending less time on the blog. (In case you missed it, we recently had to post abbreviated blog entries for a few weeks while we participated in virtual training sessions.) My plan was to drop this sad news on all of you and then correct it before we resumed blogging tomorrow. Gotcha!

After discussing my idea with Diana and J.B., I was convinced that this joke could easily go too far. So many people use our social media as their primary window into the lives of the chimpanzees and cattle, whom they love from afar. Despite the tempting lure of April Fool’s glory, I just couldn’t break any of your hearts like that.

In light of all this, you’ll be surprised to know that the rest of this blog post is completely serious. There isn’t a single joke in here. Nothin’ but facts. Unaltered truth, fact-checked by yours truly. Exceptionally honest, through and through.

Besides April Fool’s Day, today was noteworthy for one main reason.

The contractors have finished their work in the new playrooms and these spaces are almost ready for chimps. There are now functioning hydraulic doors from the existing enclosures into each playroom. Notably, the crew had to modify some of the caging in the Mezzanine, resulting in a new “cubby”. Honey B, Mave and Willy B have been taking turns using the odd little space as breakfast nook and nesting cave, among other things. Poor Willy initially seemed nervous to touch the floor in this tiny little space, despite the fact that it’s the same material as the floors in his other indoor enclosures. He brought a plastic stool to sit on instead, limiting himself to a couple feet of head-room.

With the welding complete and doors working, J.B. was able to touch up the paint and Chad has begun hanging firehose “vines” for the chimps to climb on. Mave and Honey B supervised from the downstairs window and the new cubby, respectively. We plan to clean the new playrooms this weekend and then give some of the chimps access to them very, very soon. Stay tuned for updates!

Here are some additional photos of the new playrooms (including one of the vista from the upstairs windows).

Meanwhile, the contractors will begin securing the steel caging to the outdoor greenhouses. It may be difficult to visualize these new areas just yet, but you can trust us when we say that they’re going to be amazing multi-use habitats for Honey B, Mave and Willy B and six new chimpanzees. We already have a foundation and frame in place for these structures, so we’re confident that these spacious greenhouse enclosures will be ready before the summer!

P.S. I’m offering special internet bonus points to anyone who can find the marmot hidden somewhere in this post.

Training Continues

March 2, 2021 by Chad de Bree

Today, the staff continued our PRT training. However, I was able to take a few photos from today of the Seven enjoying Young’s Hill!

The days have been getting warmer and the snow is disappearing quickly. Just like yesterday, the Seven (minus one) spent a lot of time today exploring Young’s Hill.

When the door leading to Young’s Hill first opened, the first order of business was to take in this warm morning.

Annie and Foxie with Orange Blossom, of course!

Well, that was most everybody’s first agenda item. Burrito’s agenda item was to run around the hill.

This was from yesterday, but he may have had an advantage in pathways during our races today as well.

Right behind us came Jamie and Missy, with Jody in tow.

Before Jody continued on the walk, she first tried to look for some ice treats in a hanging tire.

None found, she went for one of her other favorite foraging items, a pine branch.

Coming up behind Jody was Foxie, with two Orange Blossoms!

Annie waited at the bottom of the hill for everybody to return. Though she didn’t partake in the first patrol, she was seen out and about since.

Missy stopped for a snowy treat before making her way inside.

Along the way, Jamie decided she want to climb the Twister and take in the surroundings.

At this point, you may be wondering about the “minus one.”

She did poke her head out in the morning, but decided to stay under a pile of blankets in the Greenhouse.

Observing… and Being Observed

February 21, 2021 by Anthony

Last week, an interesting creature visited the sanctuary. We caregivers paused to conduct some informal observations.

The visitor was a bobcat. Also known as “red lynx,” bobcats (Lynx rufus) are medium-sized felines native to southern Canada, the entire continental USA, and northern Mexico.

Unlike other species of lynx, bobcats are highly adaptable and can thrive in proximity to humans. Because of this behavioral flexibility, bobcat populations persist in suburban and agricultural environments and are one of the least threatened species of wild feline.

We often see the signs these creatures leave behind as they roam across the sanctuary’s wooded farmland (usually manifesting as tracks left behind in the snow or mud). Their prints complement those of the numerous wild animals who have adjusted to our presence: badgers, black bears, cougars, coyotes, deer, elk, marmots, mice, porcupines, skunks, squirrels, weasels, voles, and countless species of birds, reptiles and amphibians. Until last week, however, none of us had managed to take a photograph of a living bobcat on the sanctuary campus.

From the kitchen window, I first spotted the bobcat trudging through the pasture just north of the Chimp House. The powdery snow was a couple feet deep out there, but the cat was using its furry paws to stay afloat as if they were snowshoes. Anna and I were closing up the facility for the evening, but we immediately grabbed binoculars and a camera so that we could observe and photograph the creature from our “blind” in the building’s foyer.

The bobcat was clearly hunting for the various rodents that tunnel invisibly beneath the snow. At times, the creature sat on its haunches and listened intently before continuing forward. Eventually, the bobcat pounced on some scurrying prey (likely a vole) but emerged from the snow without its quarry. After that unsuccessful attempt, the cat meandered its way up the hill and disappeared into the woodland above.

Shockingly, the bobcat didn’t seem to notice us. The chimps, meanwhile, were too engrossed in their evening food puzzles to even look out the window. They’ve probably seen lots of wild animals that the humans don’t notice, although even they appear to be fascinated at times.

Of course, the caregivers aren’t the only ones who observe their neighbors around here. As always, the chimpanzees continue to observe the humans. Although they often focus on the caregivers who perform the usual tasks in their vicinity, the chimps also pay close attention to the ongoing expansion of the Chimp House.

Currently, Honey B, Mave and Willy B can watch the construction progress from the safety of their indoor enclosures (which are adjacent to the new playrooms). Honey B, in particular, is captivated by the three gentlemen who are installing the caging, windows, climbing structures and hydraulic doors in the new areas. She balances her observation time, alternating between staring intently at us and monitoring the welders and laborers on the other side.

We often think about how much time humans have spent observing and studying wildlife, including free-ranging and captive chimpanzees, but Honey B appears determined to even the score.

Will You (Honey) B My Valentine?

February 14, 2021 by Anthony

The chimps had an absolute banger of Valentine’s Day party.

There’s a lot to be said about this strange holiday that I won’t say here (although I encourage you to read about the event’s namesake). To us caregivers, however, Valentine’s Day is yet another great excuse to give special treats to the chimpanzees.

My morning began with a safety patrol around Young’s Hill, the chimps’ outdoor enclosure, although the fresh snow made the short walk into an adventure. The valley was veiled in gray clouds that quelled any hope of a visible sunrise. It was surreal to see the climbing structures buried in snowdrifts. Far below, I could see J.B. plowing the sanctuary’s driveway yet again.

Back in the Chimp House, everyone else got right to work. While Katelyn shoveled off the sidewalks and stairs around the building, Chad got right to work in the kitchen. As the Enrichment Coordinator, Chad’s the de facto Party Planner, and he had a big spread in mind for Valentine’s Day brunch. The meal consisted of red-colored foods (diluted Gatorade, sliced blood oranges, whole strawberries) and some special heart-shaped banana pancakes made by Patti, one of our amazing volunteers.

When the chimps saw these platters from their vantage in the Playroom, they lost their minds in an excited frenzy. They were all overwhelmed (in a good way). Foxie was the craziest, stomping around and grimacing, until Jody reassured her by gently touching her backside.

As we prepared the Greenhouse for the celebration, the chimpanzees milled around the Playroom, peeking through the windows as they passed by each like some sort of primate carousel.

Once we humans were safely out of the Greenhouse, I opened up the doors so the chimps could feast. They immediately diffused around the enclosure, floor to ceiling and wall to wall, foraging for all their favorite bits of the brunch platters. It was difficult for Chad and I to take photos because they were so busy (and the layer of snow on top of the Greenhouse prevented sunlight from getting in).

On the other side of the building, the chimpanzees weren’t as excited about brunch (which is surprising because they’re Millennials). Honey B and Mave were actually content to stay downstairs all day, so that’s where we ended up serving their meals. They seemed to be feeling well, but the chimps always have a choice to stay where they are (thus declining our generous offer to clean their enclosures). Eventually, they all got to try Patti’s banana pancakes (which the loved) and then settled down for some grooming, napping, and play with caregivers.

Mave relaxed and groomed her friends while Willy B watched Shrek (three times in a row) and frequently checked in on the neighbors. Honey B spent most of the time following caregivers around, playing chase and grooming snow off their boots through the caging. She was always at the window or caging whenever I walked by, so we continued the tradition of playing tag between the windows of the new Playrooms. If paying attention is the only requirement for someone to be called a “Valentine,” then I think Honey B has earned that right today.

Of course, while Honey B may be my “Valentine” today, our supporters made it clear that all the chimps are loved. Diana shared a video yesterday to celebrate this special occasion with the sanctuary’s family, We even had TWO sponsors for this day of sanctuary, the second of whom is particular enamored with this handsome gentleman.

The Super Bowl Squad

February 7, 2021 by Anthony

It may not be the most important or most anticipated, but Super Bowl Sunday is perhaps the most uniquely American holiday of them all. Unhealthy snacks? Shameless advertising? A temporary distraction from the craziness of the past year? Sign. Me. Up.

Of course, such an event isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Given everything else that’s going on, even people who generally like sports are probably feeling a bit apathetic about this year’s championship game. It’s an understandable attitude.

If you’re not a football fan, this post may already be inducing some of the following thoughts:

They’re playing football right now? During a global pandemic? [Somehow, yes.]

God, I hope that Tom Brady guy isn’t in it again. [Yup, he is.]

Are the Seahawks in it? Were they good this season? [No; not really.]

Is football the one with the round ball or the egg-shaped ball? [It depends…]

Well, hopefully they still have the Puppy Bowl this year! [They do.]

And, no matter how invested you are in the National Football League, you’re surely thinking:

This blog entry has nothing to do with chimpanzees.

[Well, not yet… but it will. Bear with me.]

As much as I struggle to defend the commercialism and machismo of the NFL on an intellectual level, I actually love the Super Bowl. I don’t really buy into the tribalism of sports fandom, but I appreciate the talent, teamwork and strategy required to compete at the most elite level of such a complex sport.

One thing I love about American football, in particular, is the way players communicate with each other in order to successfully execute even the simplest of plays. When this process is repeated dozens of times, coordinating a sixty-minute football game begins to resemble conducting an entire symphony (all while an opposing orchestra simultaneously improvises a rival symphony in the same auditorium). Teams depend on complex playbooks, advanced technology, and continuous nonverbal communication to keep information flowing among personnel. Superstar athletes often draw the spotlight away from their peers, but the path to success is paved with consistency, cooperation and efficiency. Perhaps Billy Bob Thornton’s Coach Gaines said it best in Friday Night Lights when he preached “You need to find each other!” In short, whoever creates meaningful connections between themselves and their teammates has the best chance of winning the game and succeeding in life.

In some ways, chimpanzee groups remind me of sports teams.

Chiefly (heh heh), neither system could function if everyone constantly challenged each other for the top rank. Much like professional football players, chimpanzees tend to adopt roles in their community that align with their personalities, biological predispositions and learned skills.

In this way, chimp society is more appropriately imagined as a network than as a pecking order. Each individual is connected to all the others by series of interactions (and we human scientists invent a linear hierarchy by assigning directionality and arbitrary value to those events that seem most significant to us), so life’s not always about climbing up the social ladder.

In practice, being “high-ranking” actually comes with a suite of responsibilities, privileges and drawbacks, some of which “low-ranking” individuals may not have to deal with. One position is not uniformly better than the other; they’re just different niches with their own costs and benefits. Sure, it helps to have some established clout in a head-to-head competition, but those mano a mano stand-offs are more rare than you’d expect. To put it bluntly, I’d rather be a lowly citizen in a stable country than the ruler of a dumpster fire.

In football, it’s easier to follow a more natural path than it is to take a bunch of risks that won’t pay off. A 262-lb human isn’t going to run fast or jump ridiculously high (unless they’re Montez Sweat), so it’s better for them- and for the team- if they learn to block and tackle. While a football game might be win-or-lose, being a part of the team is a non-zero sum game. If they all put their egos aside and habitually do their jobs, they might just win a Super Bowl together.

Likewise, Annie probably won’t win too many fights against Negra, but she can get more food by hanging back and scooping up whatever vegetables The Queen leaves behind. Neggie can then relax knowing nobody is going to challenge her for a night bag. By unknowingly sorting themselves like teammates, the chimpanzee group maintains stability and individuals can get on with more important things (like playing chase and slapping troll dolls around) without the constant threat of conflict and dysfunction.

Given these parallel systems, you may be starting to wonder exactly how each chimp’s unique personality would factor into a football contest like the one being played today. Luckily, I decided to write a Buzzfeed-style post that explains exactly that in painstaking detail. Actually, it may be the longest blog post I’ve ever written, and that’s saying something. Hopefully you’re into sports metaphors and trivia (or can at least stomach them for about twenty minutes).

Seriously, though… you should top off your beverage, pop some popcorn and get comfy. There’s a lot to unpack here.

Without further ado, I present to you:

The Official Chimpanzee Sanctuary Northwest Super Bowl Squad™

Head Coach (HC) – Jamie

Jamie has all the makings of a legendary NFL Head Coach. She’s an imposing force, running the Chimp House like a tight ship and confronting those who fall out of line. Like some of the best minds in professional football (with whom she also shares some fashion sense), Jamie appreciates routine and structure. As the most dominant female chimp, she isn’t afraid to exert control over her surroundings using any materials at her disposal. I can imagine James holding a tablet on the sidelines, using analytics to choose a play and conveying her choice with some quick head nods and conspicuous foot stomps.

Surely, Jamie’s players would be disciplined, loyal to her system, and equipped with the best footwear in the league. She’s not always a tyrant, though, and her thorough coaching keeps us caregivers well-conditioned and entertained. With her mentality and demeanor, she’d probably thrive at the sanctuary’s helm and collect championship trophies as if they were Grab Bags.

Quarterback (QB) – Jody

As the sanctuary’s “den mother,” Jody has the leadership and “intangibles” to be a Hall-of-Fame quarterback. This position isn’t just about throwing and handing the ball to the other players; as the coaching staff’s lieutenant, the quarterback makes sure that the plans made on the sidelines are executed on the field. If there’s any doubt about her potential as a game-manager, the way Jody strategically dominates outdoor forages should put an end to it. Her keen awareness, caring nature and industrious efficiency would keep the offense moving towards the end-zone and put points on the scoreboard.

Quarterbacks, who are usually chosen to be captains, also mitigate issues among the players both on and off the field. This keeps the team operating cohesively and efficiently. For example, Kansas City’s Patrick Mahomes (who is starring in tonight’s game opposite Tampa Bay’s Tom Brady) publicly reassured a frustrated teammate last week, keeping the peace and motivating that player to perform better in subsequent plays. We frequently see “Farmer Jo” do the same for her peers by offering unambiguous gestures of emotional support in times of trouble. With skills like hers, Jody would cultivate some magical comradery and lead her team to victory.

Running Back (RB) – Foxie

Running backs have one primary objective: to carry the football “downfield” through the defense and toward the end-zone. This job requires an extraordinary combination of speed, agility and toughness, but the most critical responsibility is to hold onto the football at all costs. For these reasons, Foxie is the clear favorite to be this team’s superstar running back. Although tiny, her talents are electric. For one thing, Foxie’s unpredictable behavior would confuse, frazzle, and exhaust opposing defenses, and her acrobatic skills (1, 2, 3) would give her that “big-play ability” that Seattleites may be familiar with (even a decade later).

Crucially, Foxie has already demonstrated a talent for securely toting around her coveted dolls. Foxie’s carrying skills go way beyond those of her NFL counterparts; while they only hold the ball in their hands, she can balance the dolls on her shoulders, clutch them between her toes, clench them in her jaws, tuck them into her pelvic pocket, and even catch them behind her back. She’s actually quite cavalier about their safety at times, but it doesn’t really matter. Her rare ability to carry two dolls at once would yield double the touchdowns and likely skyrocket her to the top of the fantasy rankings. For these reasons and more, Foxie would indubitably be the sanctuary’s primetime halfback.

Wide Receiver (WR) – Annie

Annie would, like many NFL wide receivers, be a focal point of drama. Receivers are often the ones celebrating on television after reeling in pivotal touchdown passes, but this showmanship often comes with unnecessary juvenile behavior that attracts negative media attention. As a reactive and vocal chimpanzee, Annie has the potential to be one of these celebrity wideouts.

Annie-Bird’s not a natural leader and generally concedes to more dominant chimps in direct conflicts of interest. Despite this baseline insecurity, she has grown bolder and more confident over the years and still finds crafty ways to get what she values most. For example, Annie will express when she’s not happy and draw everyone’s attention to the source of her discomfort, then fade away from the turmoil she just incited with someone else’s forgotten carrot in hand. Like a wide receiver, so-called because they literally position themselves “out wide” near the sidelines, she’s happier at the fringes of the group. Still, Annie has the potential to make difficult plays look easy (like when she casually siphons smoothie from other chimps’ cups). Of course, Annie’s flamboyant apparel would also keep her in the tabloids and help her land lucrative corporate sponsorships.

Tight End (TE) – Willy B

Traditionally, tight ends are multitalented but not flashy; they block on most plays but can also be receivers, using their physicality to snag balls out of midair while surrounded by defenders. Although few NFL tight ends have achieved superstar status and household name recognition, tonight’s Super Bowl LV features two of the most famous TEs in history: Rob Gronkowski and Travis Kelce. These two playboys love the spotlight; Gronk may be the goofiest personality in the league and Kelce starred in a Bachelor-like reality game show called “Catching Kelce.” (Spoiler: They didn’t stay together after the series finale.) I’d like to add another member to this elite cohort of powerhouse tight ends, and his name is Willy B.

As the sanctuary’s newest bachelor, Willy has a uniquely charismatic and self-assured demeanor. He’s got the bravado and skills to rival those of the NFL’s best pass-catchers, and he knows how to use his social rank to his advantage. Despite his potential to lead, Willy often shirks the spotlight in favor of simple pleasures like watching TV, snacking on food, and swaggering outside to watch the neighbors. His reputation may be bolstered by his relatively large frame and amplified by the adoration he receives from the neighboring chimps, but the former resident of the Wildlife Waystation also seems to gain confidence as he acclimatizes to his sanctuary home. The Willy B I know would now have the guts to run into the end-zone and leap high to catch a football as if it were an apple placed far above the ground.

Offensive Line (OL) – Mave

I have a fondness for offensive linemen (centers, guards and tackles) because I briefly played left guard for my mediocre high school team. I truly think that Mave is better suited to handle the duties of the position than I was, which is why she’d be the perfect keystone to build the sanctuary’s offensive line around. Linemen are exclusively blockers, meaning they protect and create space for their teammates. Far from being typical jocks, linemen need to be reliable and smart so that they can dominate the trenches on any given play. Unsurprisingly, they have the highest average scores on the NFL’s preferred cognitive abilities test. In this regard, Mave is the perfect offensive lineman: humble, adaptable, and protective.

This pick is obvious to anyone who watches Mave cohabitate with her companions. As a gregarious but low-ranking individual, Mave is unassuming and kind to the other chimps. That doesn’t stop her from being a forceful peacekeeper. You could say that Mave, like any good lineman, isn’t afraid to throw her weight around (whether she’s making new friends, expressing emotion, or rough-housing). In fact, Mave is such a prolific wrestler that, when the ball is fumbled and all the linemen simultaneously pile on top, she’d come up with the football every time. Plus, instead of scoring touchdowns, the ultimate achievement for an offensive lineman is unofficially known as a “pancake block.” I love the idea of Mave leading the league in pancakes.

Defensive Line (DL) – Betsy, Honey, Meredith and Nutmeg

Football defenses are usually arranged into three distinct layers, the foremost of which is the defensive line. These defenders confront the offense up front, pressuring the opposing quarterback and swarming whoever is holding the football. Linemen may be known for size and brute strength, but the best are also clever and deceptively agile. The most famous defensive line in NFL history was that of the 1975 Minnesota Vikings (a.k.a. the Purple People Eaters), but I can’t think of a more formidable defensive unit than CSNW’s four largest residents: the cattle.

Betsy, Honey, Meredith and Nutmeg (or, as I call them, The Moo Crew) have all the qualities of fearsome defensive linemen. For one thing, they literally defend the sanctuary against wildfires by mowing the grass and trimming the weeds. These Jerseys seem slow and gentle, but they can run surprisingly fast and be shockingly fierce. Nutmeg is the bulkiest of the four, but Honey is the brazen leader and doesn’t tolerate any nonsense. The herd moves in a cohesive formation and their impenetrable wall of bovine muscle can be difficult to get past when their barn needs to be mucked. Whenever they detect a bale of hay being delivered, they lock onto it like four homing missiles and devour it like a wolf pack that just made a kill. That kind of focus and ferocity should have NFL scouts calling the sanctuary’s office and inviting these bovines to their next training camp.

Defensive Linebacker (LB) – Missy

Linebackers are some of the most versatile players because they have to get around linemen, tackle running backs and cover receivers. They also tend to be defensive leaders, calling out adjustments as the offense lines up in formation across from them. Once the play begins, they’re the first responders whose quick reactions often break up the opponent’s plan, and they’re often the ones to make the most tackles. If you have any questions about what qualities allow someone to excel in this role, just listen to unanimous praise for retired linebacker Luke Kuechly. The best of those players, like Kuechly, are known for being involved in lots of plays; this is why Missy would be the sanctuary’s defensive captain and starting middle linebacker.

Missy never shies away from a conflict; instead, she rushes in and supports her friends, saving the chit-chat for later. She’s always in high-gear, zipping around Young’s Hill from fence to fence just like a linebacker covering the whole field from sideline to sideline. Even her stout, compact frame is perfect for her role as the group’s enforcer. I once saw her stifle an altercation in the Playroom by charging in and tackling the first chimp she saw, distracting everyone long enough for them to calm down. She sometimes reminds me of one of the best Super Bowl commercials of all time: a 2003 Reebok ad featuring the NFL’s Terry Tate in the fictional role of “Office Linebacker.” Missy, like Tate, ensures that nobody gets away with any shenanigans (and that there are tomatoes on every serving tray).

Defensive Back (DB) – Burrito

Behind the linemen and linebackers, the defensive backs (i.e. safeties and cornerbacks) are the last players standing between the offense and the goal line. For this job, size is not as valuable as swiftness and timing. Elite defensive backs can cover the fastest receivers and chase down the most explosive running backs in the open field, occasionally even intercepting the quarterback’s passes. From the perspective of viewers at home, defensive backs often seem to come into the frame just in time to break up what would otherwise be offensive touchdowns. For these reasons, I am sure that the sanctuary’s star defensive back would be Burrito Chimpanzee.

When it comes to roaming around and then suddenly being right in your face, Bubba’s the guy for the job. He isn’t as large as Willy B, the other male chimp at the sanctuary, but Burrito has actually developed more agility, courage and endurance over the last year or so. Despite being 38 years old, his vigor for life is unparalleled. It is common for caregivers to be passing by the chimpanzee enclosures with some other task in mind and suddenly be confronted by an impatient Burrito demanding to play chase and tickle games. Honestly, NFL defensive coordinators should be studying his behavior in order to develop new coverage schemes because he constantly pops up wherever you look and forces you to modify your plans. If you have any doubt that a relatively small player can have a huge impact on a Super Bowl game, you can look to history– or just look at Burrito.

Special Teams (ST) – Honey B

Special teams is an inclusive term referring to the diverse “packages” of personnel who take the field on kickoffs, punts and field goal attempts. Although offensive and defensive stars rarely play on special teams, these situations can lead to odd and memorable plays: people making tackles without helmets, scoring touchdowns of 100+ yards, and even attempting daring trick plays. If you’re looking for someone to pump up the crowd by doing something crazy when everyone least expects it, perhaps Honey B is the special teams player for you.

Honey B can do any task with ease, including cleaning up, throwing objects, building forts, and even skateboarding. I wouldn’t be surprised if she could also learn to kick field goals, catch punts, and snap a football between her legs; she’s just that talented. Honey’s also a bit of an oddball, often seen apart from the other chimps rather than traveling as part of the gang. Kickers and punters have a similar reputation for independence in NFL locker rooms. Although these special teamers rarely become celebrities or team leaders, they can secure a place in everyone’s hearts by pulling off improbable stunts on national television. One case is that of Pat McAfee, a former NFL punter who became famous for executing strange feats with almost supernatural luck. McAfee’s most famous achievement may be his recovery of a ball that he kicked to himself, something that is almost impossible to successfully do. In my mind, the sanctuary’s equivalent moment was when Honey B won back a chow bag that Willy had just stolen from her, going against the social order and leaving us caregivers stunned. Kelsi summarized our reaction best in that day’s blog: “Don’t mess with Honey B.”

Everyone Watching From Home Just For the Half-Time Show (EWFHJ4THTS) – Negra

With all this being said, the truth about the NFL is that most participants are actually just viewers who half-heartedly consume the uninspired content that the league broadcasts around the world each weekend. For every player on the field, there are millions of fans watching from the comfort of their living rooms, wearing Snuggies, stacking Pringles, and scrolling through our social media feeds during commercial breaks. In this sense, Negra is by far the most relatable of all the chimpanzees.

Despite the hype and fanfare around the event, most of us are going to spend Super Bowl Sunday curled up in a fleece blanket, picking at snack foods and trying not to think about going to work tomorrow. Many people who ordinarily go out for this event are hopefully staying in this year, while others would rather just have a quiet night at home regardless. That’s how our Queen Negra chooses to spend every evening and it’s quite relatable. Sure, she might be the type to tune into the Half-Time Show so that she could text her friends about it afterward… but that would be the furthest extent of it. Negra doesn’t even get out of bed until she knows there are peanuts on the breakfast menu, and she won’t go outside for anything less than homegrown delicacies or prized pineapple tops, so I wouldn’t expect her to get nervous about a silly football game. Whenever you shut off the television and crawl into bed tonight, you can rest assured that Neggie went to bed way earlier than you did.

Whether you decide to watch tonight’s game or not, please be responsible and safe. For the sake of our at-risk loved ones and the health care professionals who are currently fighting this pandemic, don’t let Super Bowl parties become the next Super-Spreader events!

Just stay home!

Photographs of the Day

January 31, 2021 by Anthony

Saturday is the end of the week for some of the staff, while others return from their weekend on Sunday. I’m in the latter group.

As the person responsible for the blog on Sundays (the beginning of my work week), I often gravitate towards whatever topics have been touched on in the previous day’s blog. It isn’t always intentional, but I do notice that it naturally happens more often than not. Hopefully, all of you blog followers don’t mind getting two related posts in just as many days.

Yesterday, Diana shared “Video Clips of the Day“, a fantastic blog entry that consisted of a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Therefore, of course, I’m giving you all “Photographs of the Day”, which is essentially the same concept but with still images instead of filmed content.

Just like the clips in yesterday’s video, the pictures aren’t all from today. However, you may be assured to know that some of these photos are from this dreary winter day, while the rest are quite recent. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this evening’s post and have a great week!

The view of the Yakima River and train tracks near the sanctuary:

Icicles hanging from the Chimp House roof:

Willy B looking down at the snow, then looking at me as if I have the magical power to make it instantly go away:

Honey B supervising the construction of her new playrooms:

Mave using the same windows to groom her toes:

Jamie strolling on the Hill (sorry about the bad focus!):

The view from the sanctuary driveway:

3/4 of the Moo Crew:

Nutmeg:

Meredith:

Betsy:

Honey (apparently also known as “Honey Buns”):

Lunch in the cattle barn: