Anthony

Phoning It In

March 14, 2021 by Anthony

Coming up with ideas for blogs- and the time to write them- can be difficult.

You may have noticed that we have been sharing simple, abbreviated blogs on Tuesdays and Thursdays for the past few weeks. As Chad and Anna have mentioned, we’ve been attending virtual lectures and discussions aimed at improving our behavioral management of the chimpanzees. These sessions just happen to fall on their “blog days,” leaving minimal time for extravagance and embellishment.

Selfishly, I don’t have to worry about these constraints on Sundays (when I am usually responsible for the blog). Typically, we all finish cleaning chimpanzee enclosures around midday and then Chad and Katelyn expertly take care of the afternoon chores. This routine leaves a block of time, enabling me to get a head-start on dissertation-length blog posts with peculiar themes. (If you have a few hours to spare, the Super Bowl piece was my personal Infinite Jest.)

These wordy compositions- and my evenings spent in the foyer eagerly typing away- don’t go unnoticed. Last week, after reading my science-fiction parody of the day’s chimp drama, J.B. sarcastically told me I’d have to “stop phoning in the blog.”

It’s a fair jab. My verbosity is infamous around here, and I’ve given up trying to deny it. (J.B. and Jessica were both on the committee of unfortunate professors who had to read my graduate thesis. 100-something pages about spider monkey fission-fusion dynamics, anyone?)

For the sake of working on some other projects and shaking things up, I’m phoning in the blog today.

No unique themes. No epic sagas. No facts about bananas.

Short and sweet.

I’m even literally posting it from my phone.

Without further ado, here’s today’s blog post: a few random photos from the past couple of weeks, phoned in for your pleasure.

Doll Wars: The Chimpire Strikes Back!

March 7, 2021 by Anthony

A long time ago in a sanctuary far away…

The story begins with the great hero: Fox Hillwalker.

As a fearless defender of the Sanctuary Republic, Fox had learned the ways of the Enrichment Force, mastering this ancient art in order to maintain good chimpanzee welfare across the galaxy. Her weapon of choice was the Doll Saber, an elegant instrument of comfort and cheer that could be tossed, carried, and even used to scout distant worlds inhabited by strange creatures. Across the stars, Fox and her Doll Sabers were known for their extraordinary enrichment potential.

All was in balance until, one day, the ferocious leader Darth Jamie secured an especially powerful Doll Saber for herself.

Darth Jamie had already bent the peoples of the known universe to her will, offering them order and security in exchange for their obedience. (Those who did not submit met a messy and smelly fate.) By wielding the other side of the Enrichment Force, she trained an army of loyal boot-wearing caregivers to patrol the furthest reaches of the galaxy at her side, thus creating the First Galactic Chimpire.

“I find your lack of cool footwear… disturbing.”

Fox knew that the Doll Saber could not remain in the hands of such a powerful leader, but Darth Jamie was too powerful to take on alone, and her Chimperial associates would not turn on her lightly. Knowing that she would need friends if she hoped to win a rebellion, Fox ventured out in search of allies…

“I’m one with the Enrichment Force. The Enrichment Force is with me.”

First, she visited the palace of Negra the Hutt, a respected local warlord. Because she preferred dimly-lit comfort, Negra’s Palace was located near the galaxy’s heated core. When the bright sun rose above her planet that day, Negra grumbled something in her native tongue and closed the blanket shields, indicating that she wanted no part in the drama unfolding elsewhere. Fox knew she would have no success persuading Negra to leave her stronghold, and left alone.

“Ko rahto kama wahl bak? Bring me peanuts or leave my Playroom now!”

Further out in the galaxy, Fox encountered the charming renegade smuggler Han JoJo, but the latter had better things to do than get involved in politics. JoJo was more interested in pulling off unlikely stunts to acquire more vegetables. This was another dead end for Fox.

In the Greenhouse System, Fox ran into Annie-Wan Kenobi, a wise old master of the Enrichment Force. Annie-Wan advised Fox that Darth Jamie had become too powerful, and counseled that she let the Doll Saber go. She would not join Fox Hillwalker’s rebellion.

“Oh, I’m not brave enough for politics…”

Fox then reached out to an old friend, the bounty hunter Bubba Fett, who was cruising the Greenhouse System in his new spaceship. Despite biting off the tip of Fox’s ear long ago, the two were still friends. However, Fox was dismayed to find out that Bubba had recently aligned himself with Darth Jamie and was reluctant to join the rebellion. He briefly considered his friend’s intriguing proposal, but was quickly distracted by a passing caregiver and decided to play tickle instead. This is the way.

“I’m just a simple chimp trying to make my way in the universe.”

Fox’s last hope was Lando CalMissyan, a Chimperial magistrate who she hoped to turn against Darth Jamie. CalMissyan had grown rich in tomatoes by willfully submitting to Darth Jamie and enforcing her rule.

“Yeah, I’m middle-ranking these days. It’s the price you pay for being successful.”

When Fox went to CalMissyan begging for aid, the latter immediately went to the newly-crowned Chimperor and told her everything, reaffirming her boss’s trust. Darth Jamie was pleased.

“I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

The tables were turned. Fox now knew that she would have to face Darth Jamie alone if she wanted to wrest the Doll Saber from her grasp.

“I am a chimpanzee, like my ancestors before me!”

The two met in the Playroom Temple, a sacred place in which the Enrichment Force flows strongly, and began “aggressive negotiations.” Fox seized control of the Doll Saber, forcing Darth Jamie’s hand. There, they dueled for control of the sanctuary galaxy.

” Your anger and your lust for power have already done that… now, you have become the very thing you swore to destroy.”

“I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Chimpire!”

“…my allegiance is to the chimpanzees, to sanctuary!”

“If you’re not with me, then you’re my enemy!”

The duel seemed like it would never end, until Darth Jamie took the high ground.

“It’s over Fox, I have the high ground!”

Suddenly, as the two were embroiled in the throes of combat, their combined power separated the head of the Doll Saber from its body. Just like that, the weapon no longer had any connection to the Enrichment Force, and both Fox Hillwalker and Darth Jamie lost the will to possess it as their own.

Soon after, the Sanctuary Republic and Galactic Chimpire began an era of peace and restoration. Former rivals met in the Greenhouse System to forgive each other and engage in affiliative rituals to rebuild their friendships. Once again, the chimps had brought balance to the Enrichment Force.

Little did Darth Jamie know, Fox Hillwalker was recruiting an army of Doll Clones to join her cause and overthrow the Chimpire!

The saga continues…

[Also, if you still haven’t figured it out, this post is a Star Wars parody, then I apologize. It’s mostly fiction. The chimps weren’t really fighting over dolls (or waging war on a galactic scale, for that matter), but Jamie and Foxie really did have an epic wrestling session this morning that resulted in a Strawberry Shortcake doll being decapitated! That’s actually pretty normal around here.]

(Banana for Scale)

February 28, 2021 by Anthony

Today’s blog is dedicated to our favorite fruit: bananas. Humans first domesticated these plants on the island archipelagos of Southeast Asia between 10,000 and 6,500 years ago. Ancient voyagers carried these remarkable berries with them around the globe, cementing their status as a staple crop for people living in tropical Africa, Asia, Oceania, and eventually the Americas.

Cavendish bananas are now the most popular cultivar worldwide despite actually being less than two-hundred years old. Bundles of these green bananas are shipped to regional warehouses where they are ripened in sealed rooms, resulting in the artificial yellow color that appeals to consumers in grocery stores. (Without the intermediate step, most Cavendish bananas will go from green to rotten without ever “ripening.”)

Besides simply cultivating and eating them, we humans have cemented a place for this fruit in pop culture. We refer to historically colonized nations as “Banana Republics,” laugh at people slipping on banana peels, and wear stupid banana costumes to parties. Spectacularly, people even began to include bananas in online images to provide the viewer with a sense of scale. (In fact, bananas may be a better unit of measurement than stoats.)

For a CSNW example, here’s an image of a Troll Doll (banana for scale):

Somehow, we also learned to associate bananas with our nonhuman ape and monkey relatives. (Thanks a lot, Donkey Kong!) As much as sanctuary caregivers may resent this overdone stereotype as we work hard to give the residents a wide variety of species-appropriate foods, even we cannot deny that chimpanzees really do love bananas. In fact, we almost always have them in stock as each chimp eats an average of one or two bananas each day. The reliance on bananas is normal for sanctuaries. At fellow NAPSA member sanctuary Chimp Haven, the enthusiasm with which each of their 300+ residents demands two bananas each morning has inspired a line of merchandise (and I have one of the mugs).

Note: The following meme depicts a young spider monkey, not a chimp, but it holds the same weight:

Fortunately for the sanctuary’s ten chimpanzee residents, we recently received an unexpected donation of bananas from the faith-based FISH Community Food Bank in nearby Ellensburg. Thanks, FISH!!!

The bananas were perfect– canary yellow with coffee-colored spots, firm but not starchy, and pungently sweet- and the generous people at the food bank gave us SEVEN CASES of these things to dole out to the chimps.

As Diana pointed out yesterday, the event was not quite a lagniappe, but it had a similar vibe. As a nonprofit organization, we rely on generosity and thoughtfulness to keep the sanctuary running. Every contribution matters. To make sure that we wouldn’t waste a donation like this, the staff got to work freezing peeled and blended bananas for use in future smoothies, dehydrating bananas to make chips for night bags, and washing bananas for immediate meal service. Processing new produce is one of my favorite weekly tasks, so this past week has been quite the thrill.

The chimps have not been complaining about receiving bananas more frequently. They demand their bananas first (because fruit is always the highest priority) then scarf them down with gusto. Lately, I’ve been trying to get a passable photo of any chimpanzee eating a donated banana to send to the team at the food bank, but the chimpanzees eat them too fast and I miss each narrow window of opportunity.

This pattern continued through today. During breakfast, I stood in front of the indoor enclosures and waited for the chimps to bring their bananas in from the Greenhouse (just as Jody did on Friday). They all inhaled their first course on the spot instead of taking it to go, so I squandered that chance by planning poorly. Then, at dinner, the bananas were almost entirely gone by the time I had carried out my other duties and arrived in the Greenhouse with a camera.

I did manage to salvage a few photos from breakfast, however. In particular, Jamie was overwhelmed by the amazing banana smoothie that the care team had prepared for both groups of chimps. She used her fingers to scrape every last bit of it from the plastic cup.

After breakfast, Jamie finally went into the indoor rooms and sat on a bench. I still had the camera hanging from my neck, so I asked her if I could take some portraits. She mostly ignored me (except for an occasional nod that I interpreted as “affirmative”), and kept looking over my shoulder. Her attention evidently went down the hall toward the kitchen. I turned to follow her gaze. Through that narrow doorway, we could both see straight through to the transparent refrigerator door where hundreds of bananas sat on brightly-lit shelves.

I doubt that Jamie knows the natural history of bananas or that the people at FISH supplied us with the ones she ate for breakfast, but it’s a safe bet that she’ll be expecting one on her breakfast tray tomorrow morning.

She’s in luck.

We have, like, a thousand of them.

P.S. If you’re interested in helping us to get fresh produce to the chimps every day, you should consider being a Produce Patron!

Observing… and Being Observed

February 21, 2021 by Anthony

Last week, an interesting creature visited the sanctuary. We caregivers paused to conduct some informal observations.

The visitor was a bobcat. Also known as “red lynx,” bobcats (Lynx rufus) are medium-sized felines native to southern Canada, the entire continental USA, and northern Mexico.

Unlike other species of lynx, bobcats are highly adaptable and can thrive in proximity to humans. Because of this behavioral flexibility, bobcat populations persist in suburban and agricultural environments and are one of the least threatened species of wild feline.

We often see the signs these creatures leave behind as they roam across the sanctuary’s wooded farmland (usually manifesting as tracks left behind in the snow or mud). Their prints complement those of the numerous wild animals who have adjusted to our presence: badgers, black bears, cougars, coyotes, deer, elk, marmots, mice, porcupines, skunks, squirrels, weasels, voles, and countless species of birds, reptiles and amphibians. Until last week, however, none of us had managed to take a photograph of a living bobcat on the sanctuary campus.

From the kitchen window, I first spotted the bobcat trudging through the pasture just north of the Chimp House. The powdery snow was a couple feet deep out there, but the cat was using its furry paws to stay afloat as if they were snowshoes. Anna and I were closing up the facility for the evening, but we immediately grabbed binoculars and a camera so that we could observe and photograph the creature from our “blind” in the building’s foyer.

The bobcat was clearly hunting for the various rodents that tunnel invisibly beneath the snow. At times, the creature sat on its haunches and listened intently before continuing forward. Eventually, the bobcat pounced on some scurrying prey (likely a vole) but emerged from the snow without its quarry. After that unsuccessful attempt, the cat meandered its way up the hill and disappeared into the woodland above.

Shockingly, the bobcat didn’t seem to notice us. The chimps, meanwhile, were too engrossed in their evening food puzzles to even look out the window. They’ve probably seen lots of wild animals that the humans don’t notice, although even they appear to be fascinated at times.

Of course, the caregivers aren’t the only ones who observe their neighbors around here. As always, the chimpanzees continue to observe the humans. Although they often focus on the caregivers who perform the usual tasks in their vicinity, the chimps also pay close attention to the ongoing expansion of the Chimp House.

Currently, Honey B, Mave and Willy B can watch the construction progress from the safety of their indoor enclosures (which are adjacent to the new playrooms). Honey B, in particular, is captivated by the three gentlemen who are installing the caging, windows, climbing structures and hydraulic doors in the new areas. She balances her observation time, alternating between staring intently at us and monitoring the welders and laborers on the other side.

We often think about how much time humans have spent observing and studying wildlife, including free-ranging and captive chimpanzees, but Honey B appears determined to even the score.

Will You (Honey) B My Valentine?

February 14, 2021 by Anthony

The chimps had an absolute banger of Valentine’s Day party.

There’s a lot to be said about this strange holiday that I won’t say here (although I encourage you to read about the event’s namesake). To us caregivers, however, Valentine’s Day is yet another great excuse to give special treats to the chimpanzees.

My morning began with a safety patrol around Young’s Hill, the chimps’ outdoor enclosure, although the fresh snow made the short walk into an adventure. The valley was veiled in gray clouds that quelled any hope of a visible sunrise. It was surreal to see the climbing structures buried in snowdrifts. Far below, I could see J.B. plowing the sanctuary’s driveway yet again.

Back in the Chimp House, everyone else got right to work. While Katelyn shoveled off the sidewalks and stairs around the building, Chad got right to work in the kitchen. As the Enrichment Coordinator, Chad’s the de facto Party Planner, and he had a big spread in mind for Valentine’s Day brunch. The meal consisted of red-colored foods (diluted Gatorade, sliced blood oranges, whole strawberries) and some special heart-shaped banana pancakes made by Patti, one of our amazing volunteers.

When the chimps saw these platters from their vantage in the Playroom, they lost their minds in an excited frenzy. They were all overwhelmed (in a good way). Foxie was the craziest, stomping around and grimacing, until Jody reassured her by gently touching her backside.

As we prepared the Greenhouse for the celebration, the chimpanzees milled around the Playroom, peeking through the windows as they passed by each like some sort of primate carousel.

Once we humans were safely out of the Greenhouse, I opened up the doors so the chimps could feast. They immediately diffused around the enclosure, floor to ceiling and wall to wall, foraging for all their favorite bits of the brunch platters. It was difficult for Chad and I to take photos because they were so busy (and the layer of snow on top of the Greenhouse prevented sunlight from getting in).

On the other side of the building, the chimpanzees weren’t as excited about brunch (which is surprising because they’re Millennials). Honey B and Mave were actually content to stay downstairs all day, so that’s where we ended up serving their meals. They seemed to be feeling well, but the chimps always have a choice to stay where they are (thus declining our generous offer to clean their enclosures). Eventually, they all got to try Patti’s banana pancakes (which the loved) and then settled down for some grooming, napping, and play with caregivers.

Mave relaxed and groomed her friends while Willy B watched Shrek (three times in a row) and frequently checked in on the neighbors. Honey B spent most of the time following caregivers around, playing chase and grooming snow off their boots through the caging. She was always at the window or caging whenever I walked by, so we continued the tradition of playing tag between the windows of the new Playrooms. If paying attention is the only requirement for someone to be called a “Valentine,” then I think Honey B has earned that right today.

Of course, while Honey B may be my “Valentine” today, our supporters made it clear that all the chimps are loved. Diana shared a video yesterday to celebrate this special occasion with the sanctuary’s family, We even had TWO sponsors for this day of sanctuary, the second of whom is particular enamored with this handsome gentleman.

The Super Bowl Squad

February 7, 2021 by Anthony

It may not be the most important or most anticipated, but Super Bowl Sunday is perhaps the most uniquely American holiday of them all. Unhealthy snacks? Shameless advertising? A temporary distraction from the craziness of the past year? Sign. Me. Up.

Of course, such an event isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Given everything else that’s going on, even people who generally like sports are probably feeling a bit apathetic about this year’s championship game. It’s an understandable attitude.

If you’re not a football fan, this post may already be inducing some of the following thoughts:

They’re playing football right now? During a global pandemic? [Somehow, yes.]

God, I hope that Tom Brady guy isn’t in it again. [Yup, he is.]

Are the Seahawks in it? Were they good this season? [No; not really.]

Is football the one with the round ball or the egg-shaped ball? [It depends…]

Well, hopefully they still have the Puppy Bowl this year! [They do.]

And, no matter how invested you are in the National Football League, you’re surely thinking:

This blog entry has nothing to do with chimpanzees.

[Well, not yet… but it will. Bear with me.]

As much as I struggle to defend the commercialism and machismo of the NFL on an intellectual level, I actually love the Super Bowl. I don’t really buy into the tribalism of sports fandom, but I appreciate the talent, teamwork and strategy required to compete at the most elite level of such a complex sport.

One thing I love about American football, in particular, is the way players communicate with each other in order to successfully execute even the simplest of plays. When this process is repeated dozens of times, coordinating a sixty-minute football game begins to resemble conducting an entire symphony (all while an opposing orchestra simultaneously improvises a rival symphony in the same auditorium). Teams depend on complex playbooks, advanced technology, and continuous nonverbal communication to keep information flowing among personnel. Superstar athletes often draw the spotlight away from their peers, but the path to success is paved with consistency, cooperation and efficiency. Perhaps Billy Bob Thornton’s Coach Gaines said it best in Friday Night Lights when he preached “You need to find each other!” In short, whoever creates meaningful connections between themselves and their teammates has the best chance of winning the game and succeeding in life.

In some ways, chimpanzee groups remind me of sports teams.

Chiefly (heh heh), neither system could function if everyone constantly challenged each other for the top rank. Much like professional football players, chimpanzees tend to adopt roles in their community that align with their personalities, biological predispositions and learned skills.

In this way, chimp society is more appropriately imagined as a network than as a pecking order. Each individual is connected to all the others by series of interactions (and we human scientists invent a linear hierarchy by assigning directionality and arbitrary value to those events that seem most significant to us), so life’s not always about climbing up the social ladder.

In practice, being “high-ranking” actually comes with a suite of responsibilities, privileges and drawbacks, some of which “low-ranking” individuals may not have to deal with. One position is not uniformly better than the other; they’re just different niches with their own costs and benefits. Sure, it helps to have some established clout in a head-to-head competition, but those mano a mano stand-offs are more rare than you’d expect. To put it bluntly, I’d rather be a lowly citizen in a stable country than the ruler of a dumpster fire.

In football, it’s easier to follow a more natural path than it is to take a bunch of risks that won’t pay off. A 262-lb human isn’t going to run fast or jump ridiculously high (unless they’re Montez Sweat), so it’s better for them- and for the team- if they learn to block and tackle. While a football game might be win-or-lose, being a part of the team is a non-zero sum game. If they all put their egos aside and habitually do their jobs, they might just win a Super Bowl together.

Likewise, Annie probably won’t win too many fights against Negra, but she can get more food by hanging back and scooping up whatever vegetables The Queen leaves behind. Neggie can then relax knowing nobody is going to challenge her for a night bag. By unknowingly sorting themselves like teammates, the chimpanzee group maintains stability and individuals can get on with more important things (like playing chase and slapping troll dolls around) without the constant threat of conflict and dysfunction.

Given these parallel systems, you may be starting to wonder exactly how each chimp’s unique personality would factor into a football contest like the one being played today. Luckily, I decided to write a Buzzfeed-style post that explains exactly that in painstaking detail. Actually, it may be the longest blog post I’ve ever written, and that’s saying something. Hopefully you’re into sports metaphors and trivia (or can at least stomach them for about twenty minutes).

Seriously, though… you should top off your beverage, pop some popcorn and get comfy. There’s a lot to unpack here.

Without further ado, I present to you:

The Official Chimpanzee Sanctuary Northwest Super Bowl Squad™

Head Coach (HC) – Jamie

Jamie has all the makings of a legendary NFL Head Coach. She’s an imposing force, running the Chimp House like a tight ship and confronting those who fall out of line. Like some of the best minds in professional football (with whom she also shares some fashion sense), Jamie appreciates routine and structure. As the most dominant female chimp, she isn’t afraid to exert control over her surroundings using any materials at her disposal. I can imagine James holding a tablet on the sidelines, using analytics to choose a play and conveying her choice with some quick head nods and conspicuous foot stomps.

Surely, Jamie’s players would be disciplined, loyal to her system, and equipped with the best footwear in the league. She’s not always a tyrant, though, and her thorough coaching keeps us caregivers well-conditioned and entertained. With her mentality and demeanor, she’d probably thrive at the sanctuary’s helm and collect championship trophies as if they were Grab Bags.

Quarterback (QB) – Jody

As the sanctuary’s “den mother,” Jody has the leadership and “intangibles” to be a Hall-of-Fame quarterback. This position isn’t just about throwing and handing the ball to the other players; as the coaching staff’s lieutenant, the quarterback makes sure that the plans made on the sidelines are executed on the field. If there’s any doubt about her potential as a game-manager, the way Jody strategically dominates outdoor forages should put an end to it. Her keen awareness, caring nature and industrious efficiency would keep the offense moving towards the end-zone and put points on the scoreboard.

Quarterbacks, who are usually chosen to be captains, also mitigate issues among the players both on and off the field. This keeps the team operating cohesively and efficiently. For example, Kansas City’s Patrick Mahomes (who is starring in tonight’s game opposite Tampa Bay’s Tom Brady) publicly reassured a frustrated teammate last week, keeping the peace and motivating that player to perform better in subsequent plays. We frequently see “Farmer Jo” do the same for her peers by offering unambiguous gestures of emotional support in times of trouble. With skills like hers, Jody would cultivate some magical comradery and lead her team to victory.

Running Back (RB) – Foxie

Running backs have one primary objective: to carry the football “downfield” through the defense and toward the end-zone. This job requires an extraordinary combination of speed, agility and toughness, but the most critical responsibility is to hold onto the football at all costs. For these reasons, Foxie is the clear favorite to be this team’s superstar running back. Although tiny, her talents are electric. For one thing, Foxie’s unpredictable behavior would confuse, frazzle, and exhaust opposing defenses, and her acrobatic skills (1, 2, 3) would give her that “big-play ability” that Seattleites may be familiar with (even a decade later).

Crucially, Foxie has already demonstrated a talent for securely toting around her coveted dolls. Foxie’s carrying skills go way beyond those of her NFL counterparts; while they only hold the ball in their hands, she can balance the dolls on her shoulders, clutch them between her toes, clench them in her jaws, tuck them into her pelvic pocket, and even catch them behind her back. She’s actually quite cavalier about their safety at times, but it doesn’t really matter. Her rare ability to carry two dolls at once would yield double the touchdowns and likely skyrocket her to the top of the fantasy rankings. For these reasons and more, Foxie would indubitably be the sanctuary’s primetime halfback.

Wide Receiver (WR) – Annie

Annie would, like many NFL wide receivers, be a focal point of drama. Receivers are often the ones celebrating on television after reeling in pivotal touchdown passes, but this showmanship often comes with unnecessary juvenile behavior that attracts negative media attention. As a reactive and vocal chimpanzee, Annie has the potential to be one of these celebrity wideouts.

Annie-Bird’s not a natural leader and generally concedes to more dominant chimps in direct conflicts of interest. Despite this baseline insecurity, she has grown bolder and more confident over the years and still finds crafty ways to get what she values most. For example, Annie will express when she’s not happy and draw everyone’s attention to the source of her discomfort, then fade away from the turmoil she just incited with someone else’s forgotten carrot in hand. Like a wide receiver, so-called because they literally position themselves “out wide” near the sidelines, she’s happier at the fringes of the group. Still, Annie has the potential to make difficult plays look easy (like when she casually siphons smoothie from other chimps’ cups). Of course, Annie’s flamboyant apparel would also keep her in the tabloids and help her land lucrative corporate sponsorships.

Tight End (TE) – Willy B

Traditionally, tight ends are multitalented but not flashy; they block on most plays but can also be receivers, using their physicality to snag balls out of midair while surrounded by defenders. Although few NFL tight ends have achieved superstar status and household name recognition, tonight’s Super Bowl LV features two of the most famous TEs in history: Rob Gronkowski and Travis Kelce. These two playboys love the spotlight; Gronk may be the goofiest personality in the league and Kelce starred in a Bachelor-like reality game show called “Catching Kelce.” (Spoiler: They didn’t stay together after the series finale.) I’d like to add another member to this elite cohort of powerhouse tight ends, and his name is Willy B.

As the sanctuary’s newest bachelor, Willy has a uniquely charismatic and self-assured demeanor. He’s got the bravado and skills to rival those of the NFL’s best pass-catchers, and he knows how to use his social rank to his advantage. Despite his potential to lead, Willy often shirks the spotlight in favor of simple pleasures like watching TV, snacking on food, and swaggering outside to watch the neighbors. His reputation may be bolstered by his relatively large frame and amplified by the adoration he receives from the neighboring chimps, but the former resident of the Wildlife Waystation also seems to gain confidence as he acclimatizes to his sanctuary home. The Willy B I know would now have the guts to run into the end-zone and leap high to catch a football as if it were an apple placed far above the ground.

Offensive Line (OL) – Mave

I have a fondness for offensive linemen (centers, guards and tackles) because I briefly played left guard for my mediocre high school team. I truly think that Mave is better suited to handle the duties of the position than I was, which is why she’d be the perfect keystone to build the sanctuary’s offensive line around. Linemen are exclusively blockers, meaning they protect and create space for their teammates. Far from being typical jocks, linemen need to be reliable and smart so that they can dominate the trenches on any given play. Unsurprisingly, they have the highest average scores on the NFL’s preferred cognitive abilities test. In this regard, Mave is the perfect offensive lineman: humble, adaptable, and protective.

This pick is obvious to anyone who watches Mave cohabitate with her companions. As a gregarious but low-ranking individual, Mave is unassuming and kind to the other chimps. That doesn’t stop her from being a forceful peacekeeper. You could say that Mave, like any good lineman, isn’t afraid to throw her weight around (whether she’s making new friends, expressing emotion, or rough-housing). In fact, Mave is such a prolific wrestler that, when the ball is fumbled and all the linemen simultaneously pile on top, she’d come up with the football every time. Plus, instead of scoring touchdowns, the ultimate achievement for an offensive lineman is unofficially known as a “pancake block.” I love the idea of Mave leading the league in pancakes.

Defensive Line (DL) – Betsy, Honey, Meredith and Nutmeg

Football defenses are usually arranged into three distinct layers, the foremost of which is the defensive line. These defenders confront the offense up front, pressuring the opposing quarterback and swarming whoever is holding the football. Linemen may be known for size and brute strength, but the best are also clever and deceptively agile. The most famous defensive line in NFL history was that of the 1975 Minnesota Vikings (a.k.a. the Purple People Eaters), but I can’t think of a more formidable defensive unit than CSNW’s four largest residents: the cattle.

Betsy, Honey, Meredith and Nutmeg (or, as I call them, The Moo Crew) have all the qualities of fearsome defensive linemen. For one thing, they literally defend the sanctuary against wildfires by mowing the grass and trimming the weeds. These Jerseys seem slow and gentle, but they can run surprisingly fast and be shockingly fierce. Nutmeg is the bulkiest of the four, but Honey is the brazen leader and doesn’t tolerate any nonsense. The herd moves in a cohesive formation and their impenetrable wall of bovine muscle can be difficult to get past when their barn needs to be mucked. Whenever they detect a bale of hay being delivered, they lock onto it like four homing missiles and devour it like a wolf pack that just made a kill. That kind of focus and ferocity should have NFL scouts calling the sanctuary’s office and inviting these bovines to their next training camp.

Defensive Linebacker (LB) – Missy

Linebackers are some of the most versatile players because they have to get around linemen, tackle running backs and cover receivers. They also tend to be defensive leaders, calling out adjustments as the offense lines up in formation across from them. Once the play begins, they’re the first responders whose quick reactions often break up the opponent’s plan, and they’re often the ones to make the most tackles. If you have any questions about what qualities allow someone to excel in this role, just listen to unanimous praise for retired linebacker Luke Kuechly. The best of those players, like Kuechly, are known for being involved in lots of plays; this is why Missy would be the sanctuary’s defensive captain and starting middle linebacker.

Missy never shies away from a conflict; instead, she rushes in and supports her friends, saving the chit-chat for later. She’s always in high-gear, zipping around Young’s Hill from fence to fence just like a linebacker covering the whole field from sideline to sideline. Even her stout, compact frame is perfect for her role as the group’s enforcer. I once saw her stifle an altercation in the Playroom by charging in and tackling the first chimp she saw, distracting everyone long enough for them to calm down. She sometimes reminds me of one of the best Super Bowl commercials of all time: a 2003 Reebok ad featuring the NFL’s Terry Tate in the fictional role of “Office Linebacker.” Missy, like Tate, ensures that nobody gets away with any shenanigans (and that there are tomatoes on every serving tray).

Defensive Back (DB) – Burrito

Behind the linemen and linebackers, the defensive backs (i.e. safeties and cornerbacks) are the last players standing between the offense and the goal line. For this job, size is not as valuable as swiftness and timing. Elite defensive backs can cover the fastest receivers and chase down the most explosive running backs in the open field, occasionally even intercepting the quarterback’s passes. From the perspective of viewers at home, defensive backs often seem to come into the frame just in time to break up what would otherwise be offensive touchdowns. For these reasons, I am sure that the sanctuary’s star defensive back would be Burrito Chimpanzee.

When it comes to roaming around and then suddenly being right in your face, Bubba’s the guy for the job. He isn’t as large as Willy B, the other male chimp at the sanctuary, but Burrito has actually developed more agility, courage and endurance over the last year or so. Despite being 38 years old, his vigor for life is unparalleled. It is common for caregivers to be passing by the chimpanzee enclosures with some other task in mind and suddenly be confronted by an impatient Burrito demanding to play chase and tickle games. Honestly, NFL defensive coordinators should be studying his behavior in order to develop new coverage schemes because he constantly pops up wherever you look and forces you to modify your plans. If you have any doubt that a relatively small player can have a huge impact on a Super Bowl game, you can look to history– or just look at Burrito.

Special Teams (ST) – Honey B

Special teams is an inclusive term referring to the diverse “packages” of personnel who take the field on kickoffs, punts and field goal attempts. Although offensive and defensive stars rarely play on special teams, these situations can lead to odd and memorable plays: people making tackles without helmets, scoring touchdowns of 100+ yards, and even attempting daring trick plays. If you’re looking for someone to pump up the crowd by doing something crazy when everyone least expects it, perhaps Honey B is the special teams player for you.

Honey B can do any task with ease, including cleaning up, throwing objects, building forts, and even skateboarding. I wouldn’t be surprised if she could also learn to kick field goals, catch punts, and snap a football between her legs; she’s just that talented. Honey’s also a bit of an oddball, often seen apart from the other chimps rather than traveling as part of the gang. Kickers and punters have a similar reputation for independence in NFL locker rooms. Although these special teamers rarely become celebrities or team leaders, they can secure a place in everyone’s hearts by pulling off improbable stunts on national television. One case is that of Pat McAfee, a former NFL punter who became famous for executing strange feats with almost supernatural luck. McAfee’s most famous achievement may be his recovery of a ball that he kicked to himself, something that is almost impossible to successfully do. In my mind, the sanctuary’s equivalent moment was when Honey B won back a chow bag that Willy had just stolen from her, going against the social order and leaving us caregivers stunned. Kelsi summarized our reaction best in that day’s blog: “Don’t mess with Honey B.”

Everyone Watching From Home Just For the Half-Time Show (EWFHJ4THTS) – Negra

With all this being said, the truth about the NFL is that most participants are actually just viewers who half-heartedly consume the uninspired content that the league broadcasts around the world each weekend. For every player on the field, there are millions of fans watching from the comfort of their living rooms, wearing Snuggies, stacking Pringles, and scrolling through our social media feeds during commercial breaks. In this sense, Negra is by far the most relatable of all the chimpanzees.

Despite the hype and fanfare around the event, most of us are going to spend Super Bowl Sunday curled up in a fleece blanket, picking at snack foods and trying not to think about going to work tomorrow. Many people who ordinarily go out for this event are hopefully staying in this year, while others would rather just have a quiet night at home regardless. That’s how our Queen Negra chooses to spend every evening and it’s quite relatable. Sure, she might be the type to tune into the Half-Time Show so that she could text her friends about it afterward… but that would be the furthest extent of it. Negra doesn’t even get out of bed until she knows there are peanuts on the breakfast menu, and she won’t go outside for anything less than homegrown delicacies or prized pineapple tops, so I wouldn’t expect her to get nervous about a silly football game. Whenever you shut off the television and crawl into bed tonight, you can rest assured that Neggie went to bed way earlier than you did.

Whether you decide to watch tonight’s game or not, please be responsible and safe. For the sake of our at-risk loved ones and the health care professionals who are currently fighting this pandemic, don’t let Super Bowl parties become the next Super-Spreader events!

Just stay home!

Photographs of the Day

January 31, 2021 by Anthony

Saturday is the end of the week for some of the staff, while others return from their weekend on Sunday. I’m in the latter group.

As the person responsible for the blog on Sundays (the beginning of my work week), I often gravitate towards whatever topics have been touched on in the previous day’s blog. It isn’t always intentional, but I do notice that it naturally happens more often than not. Hopefully, all of you blog followers don’t mind getting two related posts in just as many days.

Yesterday, Diana shared “Video Clips of the Day“, a fantastic blog entry that consisted of a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Therefore, of course, I’m giving you all “Photographs of the Day”, which is essentially the same concept but with still images instead of filmed content.

Just like the clips in yesterday’s video, the pictures aren’t all from today. However, you may be assured to know that some of these photos are from this dreary winter day, while the rest are quite recent. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this evening’s post and have a great week!

The view of the Yakima River and train tracks near the sanctuary:

Icicles hanging from the Chimp House roof:

Willy B looking down at the snow, then looking at me as if I have the magical power to make it instantly go away:

Honey B supervising the construction of her new playrooms:

Mave using the same windows to groom her toes:

Jamie strolling on the Hill (sorry about the bad focus!):

The view from the sanctuary driveway:

3/4 of the Moo Crew:

Nutmeg:

Meredith:

Betsy:

Honey (apparently also known as “Honey Buns”):

Lunch in the cattle barn:

Burrito:

A closeup of Burrito’s toes:

Burrito’s plush monkey friend (featured in yesterday’s video) being incrementally dragged into the chimp enclosure through a food chute and then leisurely disemboweled by seven VERY enriched chimpanzees:

Barn Kitty’s tracks in the snow (black-and-white version):