Burrito

I guess I will start this blog on a personal note, and if you stick with me, I think I will make it come full circle. If not, I appreciate you all just being here reading the words that have been running around in my head :).

Grief looks different for every human and non-human. Grief has played a large role in my personal life and if I am honest my professional life as well. I would not be the person I am today without it. Grief and opportunity lead me to make some amazing impulsive decisions that at another time in life I may not have taken the risks or the leap. With the loved ones I have lost, the feeling doesn’t go away. Slowly, we heal and find a way to manage the void left behind. For me, their absence in life is always here, but I have learned that it is okay to acknowledge the sadness of a loved one you had hoped to share more memories with, over time it does get easier to cope with.

As I mentioned before, grief looks different for each individual. Some let the grief swallow them whole and come out of it when it is time, others mask with humor, or avoid, some make themselves so busy they can’t think about it. None are wrong, just different. For me, though I can express myself around others and share my feelings, showing those emotions is a different story. I tend to avoid my feelings and mask them with humor until I am alone, and then let the grief swallow me whole so that no one has to take care of me… because I do the care-taking. It’s hard to take care of the people who usually do the caring.

We as caregivers wear many hats and a difficult aspect of that is that we do see a lot of trauma. Some days we are just caregivers and other days we are jumping into help with an unexpected procedure or observing wounds to make sure it doesn’t need medical intervention. While other days, it’s a lot of emotional trauma of hearing the chimps scream and fight- hoping it doesn’t turn into an injury. This job can be hard because we cannot ask them to stop or always protect them from harm, no matter how much we try. Sometimes I don’t think we talk about the struggles that we endure enough. It isn’t always something we have time to unpack, we recognize it, make a note of it, but we have to continue to care for the other chimps. On the other side of the trauma, the things we endure can have incredible outcomes. Burrito is our miracle chimp, against all odds he made it and with everything he has been through, he has only gotten more hungry for life. Or making the group of 9, there were so many emotions during the intro process, watching them figure each other out, not knowing if it would work out, but here they are, one year together as a group. While we may have helped facilitate the intros, it is an incredible accomplishment made by Cy’s group.

For us humans (and the chimps too), I think as the days have passed by, we are slowly unpacking everything that unfolded. Everyone was working around the clock to help Jody and her family. Now that we have stopped moving the grief is settling in. The beauty of the individuals that I am so lucky to be surrounded by at CSNW, is though we may be unpacking in our own ways, everyone is there for each other. The community of CSNW is one of the warmest, most comforting places to be a part of. It makes someone like me uncomfortable to be vulnerable, accept sympathy, or even cry in front of someone not so hard. I am so unbelievably lucky to work with such remarkable people who can not only console the chimps who have lost such an important member of their group, but to also console each other when losing such a remarkable chimp like Jody.

Jody was everything that sanctuary embodied. Jody had gone through so many traumas in life. Jody didn’t owe us anything- especially her trust or friendship. But Jody was resilient, she was strong, she was brave, and she was so loving to the individuals she cared for. Jody stayed that way even in her final days. CSNW gave her security, safety, and love. Jody’s friendship was something to earn, but when she let you in, you were loved so fiercely and so loyally. For 15 years Jody enjoyed everything that sanctuary had to offer her and we are only better for knowing her.

I would like to share a few of my favorite blogs of Jody. One of my all time favorite memories of Jody is when she helped Foxie build the courage to climb up the Twister. Jody and Foxie worked on it for many morning before Foxie finally made it up there. I also loved a few weeks ago when J.B. found Negra out on a structure on the top of the Hill, that morning Jody made sure Negra went outside, almost as if they had a plan to get Negra up there and of course Jody was waiting for Negra to come back. Any of the great pumpkin heists! Watching Jody foraging for leafy greens. I also really loved this particular video of Jody and Negra playing!

Because my blog was not particularly uplifting, I will leave you with a few interactions with the chimps that have helped me get through this week.

The first day I came back from Jody’s passing, I was greeted by Negra. She was breathy panting, grooming my hands and my elbow. She would give me kisses for long periods of time. Negra would put her forehead on the mesh for me to knuckle rub, then her back to groom, and even her foot to knuckle rub. If anyone knows Negra, she really never gives her foot like that, like at all. Every time we made eye contact, we would just breathy pant together for long periods of time. We did these things together for at least 20 minutes.

Jamie and I went for one of the longest walks we had been on in a while. When I came back from the walk, I went through the greenhouses on Honey B’s side of the building. Honey B greeted me by giving me her belly and breathy panting followed by sweet kisses and grooming on the back of my hand. Honey B also was holding a plank of wood she had proudly found and wasn’t ready to give it to Caregiver Chad just quite yet. Gordo stopped by to tickle my hand and ask to play chase. Cy came by to look longingly in my eyes. Rayne came to inspect my toes (I was wearing one sandal and on the other was Jamie’s current favorite boot), and Terry gave me a very tender kind kiss. After I played a little chase with Honey B, I came back to Jamie where she was ready to receive her boot. After I gave Jamie her boot she went off to make a nest, which allowed Burrito and I played a mellow game of tickle, slow chase, and follow his lips- where he gives you kisses on the back of your hand and you follow this lips around all different parts of the mesh.

Yesterday, I was on Rayne’s side of the building for cleaning. I went upstairs to clean greenhouse 3 where Rayne met me. We sat across from each other through the double mesh. Rayne ate her breakfast chow while she stared into my eyes for a while. After, I started to clean again when Honey B showed up. Honey B and I, again much like Rayne, sat across from each other through the double mesh. She breathy panted and put her face on the mesh to give a kiss, though we couldn’t reach each other through the double mesh, I put my face up again the mesh to give a kiss back, Honey B and I did this for a while before she too moved on… I am sure to find some mischief : ). Gordo stopped by in between the kisses and wanted to play, but he didn’t want to wait long enough for Honey B and I to be done. And Mave stopped by in between to put her face up to the mesh and stare into my eyes before she left to find her Dora. After Honey B left, I started to clean again when Cy joined me upstairs. Cy and I played a silly game of chase and gazed into each other’s eyes. Eventually, everyone moved on and I finished cleaning.

These were some sweet moments that helped me in my moments of grief this week.

It’s easy to dwell, but the interactions I have had with the chimps this week are a good reminder of why we do what we do. I feel like everyone has come forward in their own small way to heal. I find solace in our dedication to the chimps. Each of them are beings with such depth, we owe it to them.

Silly Burrito:

Jamie in a giant nest:

And a few of sweet Jo <3: