I thought I would share a moment from yesterday morning, before Missy’s birthday festivities began, that is a testament to how human grief looks so similar to non-human grief. In attempt for you to better understand the sentimental meaning behind the moment I witnessed, I will first share something personal that has happened to my family in the past week. I want to preface that I don’t want this blog to be about me, but I want to provide context for the relatability in the moment that I witnessed.
A week ago today, I had an emergency with my dog Oliver. My husband, Adam, and I had to make a lot of hard decisions regarding Oliver’s life, which at one point we thought we were in the clear, but sadly in the end, we had to make a choice that felt impossible to make. We chose to say goodbye. Oliver had been with me since I was 23. He had been with our family for almost 9 years. The word “dog” underestimates just how special and important Oliver was in my life. Oliver followed me to Canada. He traveled everywhere with me, I was never alone when I was with him. Oliver came into my life at a time when I was silently in my deepest grief after losing my father. Oliver gave me purpose and he gave me a reason to move forward. How do you grieve when the individual who carried you through everything else, isn’t there to get you through this one?
Tuesday was my first day back at work and all the chimps were so nice, I mean they always are :). But it felt different, more gentle. However, a moment that sticks out was with my friend, Missy. Missy is an individual who loves her people. It’s hard to know where humans stand in that, because well, she doesn’t need us, she has her people. On occasion, Missy will ask me to play. And that occasion happened to be on Tuesday. Maybe it was a coincidence, or maybe she knew I needed a distraction, but I will never know the answer to that. Missy and I spent a long while playing lazy tug-of-war, knuckle rubbing her back, and playing a short game of chase. She made my sad heart feel a little bit of warmth.
Yesterday (Wednesday), I was carrying grief on my shoulders, I could feel the physical weight of losing Oliver. At one point in the morning, I came back inside near the front rooms after having give Foxie her dolls in the Green House. Jamie started to breathy pant at me and got very excited to touch my boots (a pair of boots that do not necessarily wow her anymore). She playfully laid on her back and flailed her arms and legs around, laughing the whole time. She would bend over, stick her butt in the air and start laughing harder. Eventually, she asked me to put her favorite pair of Doc Martins on and go on a walk around Young’s Hill with her. I quickly apologized to Chad for leaving him alone to deep clean the Playroom, and I took off to join Jamie. Nothing could prepare me for the walk we took. It felt like a walk with individuals who were grieving – it’s hard to explain. Initially, things were normal. Jamie had requested I drive the Sidekick with her boots around the Hill. Missy joined us, so it ended up being Jamie, Missy, and I going for a walk. We started up the steepest part of the Hill, but less than halfway through, Missy peeled off to the right and Jamie paused. I was trying to take a video of Foxie carrying her dolls on her back when I noticed what everyone was doing… gathering. It looked like Burrito, Foxie, Annie, Missy, and even Jamie (from a far) took a moment to themselves to pay their respects to Jody around her burial site. I understand that this is my interpretation and that we may never actually know what they were thinking or doing in that moment. However, all these grieving people were in one place. Nonetheless, it was a beautiful moment and it struck me. Later, after everyone started going further up the Hill, Foxie hung back to climb up “The Twister”, which used to be something Jody would do with her, while always giving her encouragement and the courage to climb higher. But today, Foxie climbed it “alone”, but maybe someone was nearby giving her that same encouragement she had before. Foxie only went up a little more before she ultimately climbed down and joined everyone else at the top on the Hill.
Personally, this year has been a hard one, losing both Jody and my Oliver. Grief is a funny thing. It’s never completely gone and you never know when it is going to decided to show up and smack you in the face. There are good days and years, but also waves of sadness that makes things feel like they are crashing down. The date, May 1st, is always hard for me and this year marked 9 years since the passing of my dad. Some years have gone by and I have noticed his presence missing but have been able to keep moving on, while other years, like this year in particular, I feel like I lost him all over again. I know that in my own grief with losing Jody, I often will think about her during forages for the chimps or when I’m ordering produce thinking, “Oh, Jody will love this!”, only to feel a pain in my heart realizing she is no longer here. On party days, I think about how she used to walk bipedally down the Hill with an arm-load of leafy greens! Jody had been with her group members for most of their lives so it’s normal for their to be a continued absence. Though the chimps are doing quite well and have gone back into a routine since Jody’s passing, I think it wouldn’t be far-fetched to think that the chimps do have the same stages of grief that we do. I am sure that they too have good days and others where there is a hole that only Jody could fill.
Thank you for letting me share this story.
Just a bonus photo of Foxie with a doll on her back:
And for my Oliver, who I will forever be thankful for and will always stay in my heart. I miss you. I love you so much.
Amy Bianco says
Dear Kelsi,
I like to think that there are signs from our departed loved ones, and it seems as though you were experiencing many this past week. I’m so sorry about Oliver. May his memory be a blessing. My dad passed away many years ago at 62, and I miss him so much, so I understand your sorrow. And sweet, dear Jody. May she rest in peace amongst her family. Thank you for your beautiful and heartfelt words. :pray: ?
Glenda Brandner says
Please accept my deepest condolences. Thank you for sharing today. It brought tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart. Farmer Jo was a favorite of mine too we all human and chimp miss her. :purple_heart:
Tobin says
Thank you, Kelsi, for your poignant words. I can tell by the pictures you posred that your dear Oliver loved you in turn and rejoiced in your presence in his life. May your memory of him be a blessing.
Joanna Gabriel says
Thank you for sharing your story, Kelsi. Grief is something that unites us all.
Beautiful Oliver!
Be gentle with yourself, Dear One.
The love you shared with Oliver and Jody and your dad will remain with you always…let it embrace you now.
Sending lots of blessings and hugs,
Joanna Gabriel
Maureen says
Oh, Kelsi! Oliver is BEAUTIFUL! His picture brought a pang to my heart. It, and your story, brought back to me my heart dog, tricolor corgi Calvin Hobbes, whom I had to help to the bridge on July 12, 2016, just 16 days before he turned 13. I feel you, and I’m sure all of my fellow readers who’ve loved a furbaby can feel you. Everything you wrote rings true. I saw something that said “I loved you for your whole life and I’ll miss you for the rest of mine.” Calvin had been sick, and I wrote to him about it, saying, “The vet inserted the needle that took away your pain, along with my heart.” And I cry every time I say that, even this many years out. I don’t want to hijack your post, or your absolute right to grieve. There are commonalities, and that may be how we survive if that’s what we’re left to do. I’m glad you wrote this, and shared it with us, and let us join in with our chimpanzee friends as they gathered in honor of Jody. (((HUGS)))
Sandie Allaway says
Maureen. Those words of grief just stole my heart. im so sorry for your loss as well. i can relate to all of it. i will never forget these words. Thank you.
Lynne Kampel says
i understand your pain. I lost my precious little dog last month and can’t comprehend that he is not here. Your Oliver will always be with you. It amazes me how much the chimps can convey what they want to you and if only you could truly understand their grief and know how to help it would be so special. I’m sure your care and love for them truly helps.
Patricia says
Thank you Kelsi for your beautiful story of loss and love. It brought tears to me and memories of the many times tht I have had to say goodby to a four legged loved one. I am certain that the chimps feel the same sense of loss that we as humans do and although time has a way of healing, it never erases the love.
Marcia says
Oliver looks like he was a well loved and happy boy. So much expression in his eyes!
There was a time I would have thought your experience was coincidence or fanciful thinking but my own experiences in recent years that have caused me to reconsider. I no longer dismiss such moments and believe there’s every chance that departed loved ones are communicating with us, soothing us and passing on information. most of the time we unaware but every now and then…
Kathy says
Kelsi, Thank you for sharing your words, your time, your heart. I’m sorry for your losses. (My dad died 9/14/22). Words seem so limiting so I’m passing on a virtual hug. -Kathy
Marya says
Oh, Kelsi, thank you so much for sharing your personal depth, your sadness and your experiences with us, as well as adding the photos of Oliver and you. He looks like he has great depth of soul and spirit. His presence remains with you, as does Jody’s with you and her family of caregivers and chimps, and all of us who loved her. How can we really know about these things? But we can trust our own experience and feelings and the power of the presence of other beings in our lives. I’m deeply grateful for this community and all the beings who comprise it.
Paulette says
I too recently experienced a devastating loss. My niece sent me this. It so perfectly explains…
You don’t just lose someone once.
You lose them over and over,
sometimes many times a day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up,
and attacks you from behind.
Fresh waves of grief as the realisation hits home,
they are gone.
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.
Again.
Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realise,
they are gone,
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day,
for a lifetime.
by Donna Ashworth
Linda C says
I feel like I’ve read thatbefore, Paulette. It’s lovely. And so true.
Michele says
Dear Kelsi,
I know it doesn’t help right now, but Oliver could not have been happier or had a more fulfilling life than the one he had with you and your husband. He was a happy, happy boy, there is no doubt. He’s now getting to know Jody and sharing stories about their beloved Kelsi. What a dear, sweet boy. :revolving_hearts:
Heidi Richardson says
:sob::sob::sob: That was beautiful! First off I would like to say Im so sorry for your loss, all three: Jody, Oliver and your father.
This past February my son was murdered. He was my first child and only son. He was 26 years old. I can deeply relate to this. I never know when I will hit me. All i know is life will never be the same. It doesnt get easier, in fact i thinknit gets harder and you learn to adapt to your new life with grief. And, i wouldnt want it to be any orher way because I dont want to forget him or how much i loved him!
Since his passing, I have thrown myself into following the chimps and orangutans (i watch the live came at the San Diego zoo). They bring me so much joy! I keep up with you guys and Chimp Haven ( i live here in Louisiana). Foxie def has my heart and I love Burrito!! Thank you so much for all you do for them and sharing your passion with us! It keeps me going and gives me a reason to smile! :yellow_heart:
Diana walti says
thank you kelsi for your insight on grief. finding the website for the sanctuary is like finding my sort of people, both chimps and caretakers. thanks to all.
Marcie says
Kelsie so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing the chimps’ respectful pause and stoll with our Jody. She’ll always be with them just as Oliver will always be in your heart.
Deanna says
Thank you for sharing this. I mever know quite what to say. The loss of a loved one is never easy and words just never seem adequate. As I write yhis my husband and mother in law are at a grief meeting… my hiaband recently lost his father. It is important to remember to take care of yourself and those around you. I think your friends knew you were hurting and they wanted to be there for you in their way. Maybe that is me just being sentimental but so what??? Its what I believe and it brings comfort so what is wrong with that?
Susan Kathleen Feeleyk says
Kelsi, my heart goes out to you and thankyou for sharing at such a sad time. The photos of your sweet boy Oliver are truly amazing and you can see the bonding between you. I loved your description of your days with the chimps and how they tuned into your grief giving you a little boost, as it were. After all, they too are copy with loss of sweet Jody. Sometimes music can help and there is a beautiful song by Irish singer Chris de Burgh called “Carry me like a flame in your heart”. Maybe worth a listen. Take care, friend, and you will pull through this.
.
CarolR says
Kelsie, I’m so sorry for your loss. And, like you, every time I see the word ‘forage’ in the blog, memories of dear sweet Jody fill my mind. I’m absolutely sure that animals pick up feelings of sadness and grief….I know all my pets have. The chimp family must miss Jody very much, and realize in some way that you are grieving too, and are trying to show you in their own ways that they understand. The other side of that is that they also love to share their happiness, so I hope their laughter, silliness and caring will fill your heart and ease you loss.
Saunie says
We are all connected.
Lyn says
I think Jody watches over everone there and the chimps sense it. We’re only separated for a short time. It just seems like forever. And Oliver will be there to greet you on the other side Kelsi.
Debora A Green says
Thank you for sharing your pain. I feel the only way for people to move on is to share. Whether with humans, dogs, chimps We are so close to each other that all understand. On Sept 14, 2022, I lost the love of my life. My 19 year old babycat Blackberry. I crawled thru 6 feet of blackberry bush and fished him out. i was devoted to him from that hour until his last. And i will always miss him. I think there is a place our spirits go when we die. All of your pets and family will be there to greet you.
Nancy Potter says
Thank you for sharing! I have lost both my dogs and have never been the same, they are so good for your soul. I will get another some day when I have the time which I dont right now. I truly understand and my heart goes out to you. Oliver will forever be with you in and someday you will cross Rainbow Bridge and be reunited!! I also lost my dad 15 years ago and he was also my best friend I can really relate to you right now. He will forever be with you.
Kathleen says
Dear Kelsi,
Unfortunately, I know that crushing, soul sucking feeling that only comes from mourning the loss of your dog. It’s debilitating. Suffocating. Well, it is for me. Our dogs are so much more than our close friends. More than a family member. The relationship is deeply personal. The bond is so tight, a silent sharing. A deep understanding of each other. And if this alone isn’t enough to cause heartbreaking grief, more often than not, we are asked to choose when our beloved companion must die. It’s a responsibility I have taken on too many times but, to be honest, it is far too great a responsibility for me to handle. In a perfect world our dogs, our pets, would live long healthy lives and die peacefully in their sleep, preferably dreaming of wonderful adventures, while sniffing wild scents blowing in the breeze. So, my heart breaks for you and with you. You lost your dearest friend, your lifeline, and you and your husband had to make a very difficult decision. I am certain everything you did for your sweet boy Oliver, you did out of an abiding love. And it’s that love that you will always carry with you and remember. Oliver was a very, very fortunate boy. I see the joy in his face. You are his joy. He is your joy. That will never change.
Jody. Ever present Jody. I feel there is so much going on in this video. First, there’s Jamie. While watching Jamie, I have this strong sense she felt your grief and chose to escort you around the hill. She stayed with you while the others gathered at Jody’s site. For a second, I felt as if Jamie was drawn to go join her family, but instead she chose to stay with you, her human family. In my mind, there is no way Jamie didn’t fully feel your grief. She knows you well enough to know that something was “off” and that you were sad. After Jody’s death, we know they understand grief and loss.
The silent communication between Jamie, Foxie, Burrito, Annie, and Missy was very moving. There was so much going on during that brief intermission. I realized I was holding my breath while I watched. When Foxie attempted to climb the Twister, alone or with her phantom BFF, I cried. To be able to live your life with, and give your heart to these precious chimpanzee people is something so special! Let them cradle you through this difficult year. Let their resilience help you through your fog of grief. Together you will move forward. You now have a special shared experience that none of you will ever loose. Thoughts and memories of Jody tie you together. And that keeps Jody alive.
To those who have gone before us…..
Pat says
with tears I thank you for a wonderful story and share of your life and how awesome these Chimps really are. ?
CeeCee says
Dear Kelsi, im do sorry about Oliver, thank you for sharing his beautiful picture with us.
as someone who lost two 14 year old pups this month, I feel your pain.
I think you are so lucky to have your Chimp family to help you with your grief, it seems they have a lot of empathy, and they love you.
I have actually expierienced this with some dogs and cats before in my life, some just seem to be really in tune with me and my feelings.
I’m sending you lot’s of love.
Linda C says
Kelsi, I’m so sorry to hear about Oliver. I Iost my mom 25 yrs ago, and still miss her every day. (My father passed in 1979.) And just this week, I was thinking of my cat, who passed more than 10 yrs ago at 16. She wasn’t the only pet I’d ever had in my life, but the first that I’d had as an adult. The first where I said “I choose you”. And who showed me that she felt the same way.
I can see that you gave Oliver a good life. I mean–he got to go to THE BEACH! I remember taking my niece’s dogs to the beach with her. The female was the first dog they’d had together. Her husband was deployed, and even though they lived 1 hour from the beach in NC, she’d never taken them. So we took 2 dogs and a baby (in jacket weather), and had a fabulous day. I collected shells on the beach, and later glued some of the tiny ones to a picture frame with a pic of her and the dogs in it. At a time when she had few actual (non-digital) photos on the walls in her house, she put that one up.
Then, when I once visited, she told me before I left home that Sam(antha), their first dog, had reached her time, but her husband was having trouble letting go. I managed to find a great copy of a short text you can easily read online by Eugene O’Neill’s “Last Will and Testament of an Extremely Distinguished Dog”. A few hours after I left them on that visit, they got a babysitter, met with the vet, and then just took a long quiet drive together.
Remember the happy life you gave him: “For no matter how deep my sleep, I shall hear you, and not all the power of death can keep my spirit from wagging a grateful tail.”
I’ve never heard of Jamie being so silly that she’d laugh hilariously over some boots she was “over”! She must have adopted Foxie’s “make ’em laugh” mindset to cheer you up. And even though she has worked a lot with Chad over the years, she chose you to go on a walk. Or rather, a quiet drive.
And to be honest, with as much experience as Chad has running that hill, I’ll bet deep cleaning probably sounded like a good change for once!
Thanks for sharing the video of The Gathering. And the pic of my Foxie friend in the raceway with what I think are two dolls on her back. Just like Foxie to put her dolls in peril by taking them on the raceway without strapping in. :slight_smile: I hope that you can find some reasons to smile every day this week, as you make those around you and out here in blogland smile.
Sandi says
Beautiful and so true. :disappointed_relieved::broken_heart::broken_heart:?
Cam says
Kelsi, I am so sorry for all of the loss that you, Jodi’s family, and the rest of the staff there have had to endure this year. This post provoked so much emotional build-up within me that I’ve been carrying around, but not able to dislodge. You and the team (referring to the chimpanzees!) have shown such love and beauty in this moment and i am grateful for the release this post provided me. I’m thanking you for the good cry, because crying is healthy and it’s beneficial for processing these complicated emotions. :purple_heart::raised_hands_tone3::pray_tone3:
Arlene and Michael says
Kelsi we are so very sorry for your loss. The pictures you posted of Oliver and you are beautiful. Sending you strength and peace through this difficult time.