A long time ago in a sanctuary far away…

The story begins with the great hero: Fox Hillwalker.

As a fearless defender of the Sanctuary Republic, Fox had learned the ways of the Enrichment Force, mastering this ancient art in order to maintain good chimpanzee welfare across the galaxy. Her weapon of choice was the Doll Saber, an elegant instrument of comfort and cheer that could be tossed, carried, and even used to scout distant worlds inhabited by strange creatures. Across the stars, Fox and her Doll Sabers were known for their extraordinary enrichment potential.

All was in balance until, one day, the ferocious leader Darth Jamie secured an especially powerful Doll Saber for herself.

Darth Jamie had already bent the peoples of the known universe to her will, offering them order and security in exchange for their obedience. (Those who did not submit met a messy and smelly fate.) By wielding the other side of the Enrichment Force, she trained an army of loyal boot-wearing caregivers to patrol the furthest reaches of the galaxy at her side, thus creating the First Galactic Chimpire.

Fox knew that the Doll Saber could not remain in the hands of such a powerful leader, but Darth Jamie was too powerful to take on alone, and her Chimperial associates would not turn on her lightly. Knowing that she would need friends if she hoped to win a rebellion, Fox ventured out in search of allies…

First, she visited the palace of Negra the Hutt, a respected local warlord. Because she preferred dimly-lit comfort, Negra’s Palace was located near the galaxy’s heated core. When the bright sun rose above her planet that day, Negra grumbled something in her native tongue and closed the blanket shields, indicating that she wanted no part in the drama unfolding elsewhere. Fox knew she would have no success persuading Negra to leave her stronghold, and left alone.

Further out in the galaxy, Fox encountered the charming renegade smuggler Han JoJo, but the latter had better things to do than get involved in politics. JoJo was more interested in pulling off unlikely stunts to acquire more vegetables. This was another dead end for Fox.

In the Greenhouse System, Fox ran into Annie-Wan Kenobi, a wise old master of the Enrichment Force. Annie-Wan advised Fox that Darth Jamie had become too powerful, and counseled that she let the Doll Saber go. She would not join Fox Hillwalker’s rebellion.

Fox then reached out to an old friend, the bounty hunter Bubba Fett, who was cruising the Greenhouse System in his new spaceship. Despite biting off the tip of Fox’s ear long ago, the two were still friends. However, Fox was dismayed to find out that Bubba had recently aligned himself with Darth Jamie and was reluctant to join the rebellion. He briefly considered his friend’s intriguing proposal, but was quickly distracted by a passing caregiver and decided to play tickle instead. This is the way.

Fox’s last hope was Lando CalMissyan, a Chimperial magistrate who she hoped to turn against Darth Jamie. CalMissyan had grown rich in tomatoes by willfully submitting to Darth Jamie and enforcing her rule.

When Fox went to CalMissyan begging for aid, the latter immediately went to the newly-crowned Chimperor and told her everything, reaffirming her boss’s trust. Darth Jamie was pleased.

The tables were turned. Fox now knew that she would have to face Darth Jamie alone if she wanted to wrest the Doll Saber from her grasp.

The two met in the Playroom Temple, a sacred place in which the Enrichment Force flows strongly, and began “aggressive negotiations.” Fox seized control of the Doll Saber, forcing Darth Jamie’s hand. There, they dueled for control of the sanctuary galaxy.

The duel seemed like it would never end, until Darth Jamie took the high ground.

Suddenly, as the two were embroiled in the throes of combat, their combined power separated the head of the Doll Saber from its body. Just like that, the weapon no longer had any connection to the Enrichment Force, and both Fox Hillwalker and Darth Jamie lost the will to possess it as their own.

Soon after, the Sanctuary Republic and Galactic Chimpire began an era of peace and restoration. Former rivals met in the Greenhouse System to forgive each other and engage in affiliative rituals to rebuild their friendships. Once again, the chimps had brought balance to the Enrichment Force.

Little did Darth Jamie know, Fox Hillwalker was recruiting an army of Doll Clones to join her cause and overthrow the Chimpire!

The saga continues…

[Also, if you still haven’t figured it out, this post is a Star Wars parody, then I apologize. It’s mostly fiction. The chimps weren’t really fighting over dolls (or waging war on a galactic scale, for that matter), but Jamie and Foxie really did have an epic wrestling session this morning that resulted in a Strawberry Shortcake doll being decapitated! That’s actually pretty normal around here.]