I guess I will start this blog on a personal note, and if you stick with me, I think I will make it come full circle. If not, I appreciate you all just being here reading the words that have been running around in my head :).
Grief looks different for every human and non-human. Grief has played a large role in my personal life and if I am honest my professional life as well. I would not be the person I am today without it. Grief and opportunity lead me to make some amazing impulsive decisions that at another time in life I may not have taken the risks or the leap. With the loved ones I have lost, the feeling doesn’t go away. Slowly, we heal and find a way to manage the void left behind. For me, their absence in life is always here, but I have learned that it is okay to acknowledge the sadness of a loved one you had hoped to share more memories with, over time it does get easier to cope with.
As I mentioned before, grief looks different for each individual. Some let the grief swallow them whole and come out of it when it is time, others mask with humor, or avoid, some make themselves so busy they can’t think about it. None are wrong, just different. For me, though I can express myself around others and share my feelings, showing those emotions is a different story. I tend to avoid my feelings and mask them with humor until I am alone, and then let the grief swallow me whole so that no one has to take care of me… because I do the care-taking. It’s hard to take care of the people who usually do the caring.
We as caregivers wear many hats and a difficult aspect of that is that we do see a lot of trauma. Some days we are just caregivers and other days we are jumping into help with an unexpected procedure or observing wounds to make sure it doesn’t need medical intervention. While other days, it’s a lot of emotional trauma of hearing the chimps scream and fight- hoping it doesn’t turn into an injury. This job can be hard because we cannot ask them to stop or always protect them from harm, no matter how much we try. Sometimes I don’t think we talk about the struggles that we endure enough. It isn’t always something we have time to unpack, we recognize it, make a note of it, but we have to continue to care for the other chimps. On the other side of the trauma, the things we endure can have incredible outcomes. Burrito is our miracle chimp, against all odds he made it and with everything he has been through, he has only gotten more hungry for life. Or making the group of 9, there were so many emotions during the intro process, watching them figure each other out, not knowing if it would work out, but here they are, one year together as a group. While we may have helped facilitate the intros, it is an incredible accomplishment made by Cy’s group.
For us humans (and the chimps too), I think as the days have passed by, we are slowly unpacking everything that unfolded. Everyone was working around the clock to help Jody and her family. Now that we have stopped moving the grief is settling in. The beauty of the individuals that I am so lucky to be surrounded by at CSNW, is though we may be unpacking in our own ways, everyone is there for each other. The community of CSNW is one of the warmest, most comforting places to be a part of. It makes someone like me uncomfortable to be vulnerable, accept sympathy, or even cry in front of someone not so hard. I am so unbelievably lucky to work with such remarkable people who can not only console the chimps who have lost such an important member of their group, but to also console each other when losing such a remarkable chimp like Jody.
Jody was everything that sanctuary embodied. Jody had gone through so many traumas in life. Jody didn’t owe us anything- especially her trust or friendship. But Jody was resilient, she was strong, she was brave, and she was so loving to the individuals she cared for. Jody stayed that way even in her final days. CSNW gave her security, safety, and love. Jody’s friendship was something to earn, but when she let you in, you were loved so fiercely and so loyally. For 15 years Jody enjoyed everything that sanctuary had to offer her and we are only better for knowing her.
I would like to share a few of my favorite blogs of Jody. One of my all time favorite memories of Jody is when she helped Foxie build the courage to climb up the Twister. Jody and Foxie worked on it for many morning before Foxie finally made it up there. I also loved a few weeks ago when J.B. found Negra out on a structure on the top of the Hill, that morning Jody made sure Negra went outside, almost as if they had a plan to get Negra up there and of course Jody was waiting for Negra to come back. Any of the great pumpkin heists! Watching Jody foraging for leafy greens. I also really loved this particular video of Jody and Negra playing!
Because my blog was not particularly uplifting, I will leave you with a few interactions with the chimps that have helped me get through this week.
The first day I came back from Jody’s passing, I was greeted by Negra. She was breathy panting, grooming my hands and my elbow. She would give me kisses for long periods of time. Negra would put her forehead on the mesh for me to knuckle rub, then her back to groom, and even her foot to knuckle rub. If anyone knows Negra, she really never gives her foot like that, like at all. Every time we made eye contact, we would just breathy pant together for long periods of time. We did these things together for at least 20 minutes.
Jamie and I went for one of the longest walks we had been on in a while. When I came back from the walk, I went through the greenhouses on Honey B’s side of the building. Honey B greeted me by giving me her belly and breathy panting followed by sweet kisses and grooming on the back of my hand. Honey B also was holding a plank of wood she had proudly found and wasn’t ready to give it to Caregiver Chad just quite yet. Gordo stopped by to tickle my hand and ask to play chase. Cy came by to look longingly in my eyes. Rayne came to inspect my toes (I was wearing one sandal and on the other was Jamie’s current favorite boot), and Terry gave me a very tender kind kiss. After I played a little chase with Honey B, I came back to Jamie where she was ready to receive her boot. After I gave Jamie her boot she went off to make a nest, which allowed Burrito and I played a mellow game of tickle, slow chase, and follow his lips- where he gives you kisses on the back of your hand and you follow this lips around all different parts of the mesh.
Yesterday, I was on Rayne’s side of the building for cleaning. I went upstairs to clean greenhouse 3 where Rayne met me. We sat across from each other through the double mesh. Rayne ate her breakfast chow while she stared into my eyes for a while. After, I started to clean again when Honey B showed up. Honey B and I, again much like Rayne, sat across from each other through the double mesh. She breathy panted and put her face on the mesh to give a kiss, though we couldn’t reach each other through the double mesh, I put my face up again the mesh to give a kiss back, Honey B and I did this for a while before she too moved on… I am sure to find some mischief : ). Gordo stopped by in between the kisses and wanted to play, but he didn’t want to wait long enough for Honey B and I to be done. And Mave stopped by in between to put her face up to the mesh and stare into my eyes before she left to find her Dora. After Honey B left, I started to clean again when Cy joined me upstairs. Cy and I played a silly game of chase and gazed into each other’s eyes. Eventually, everyone moved on and I finished cleaning.
These were some sweet moments that helped me in my moments of grief this week.
It’s easy to dwell, but the interactions I have had with the chimps this week are a good reminder of why we do what we do. I feel like everyone has come forward in their own small way to heal. I find solace in our dedication to the chimps. Each of them are beings with such depth, we owe it to them.
Silly Burrito:
Jamie in a giant nest:
And a few of sweet Jo <3:
tomaustin says
well said…….Tom………..?
tomaustin says
well said…….Tom………..?
Tobin says
Thank you, Kelsi, for your wise words:. The grieving process is different for each individual. It is heartening to read that Negra wanted to spend that much time grooming with you; as she sought consolation, pethaps she was offering it to you as well. She and her troop witnessed how much you loved and honored Jody in her last hours.
Thank you for the video recommendations; “Might as well Play” is a good selection. I suspect that the pink blanket involved survived to reappear in “Tickle Therapy” from 9.18.2020, another CSNW classic video starring Jody and Bubba.
tomaustin says
well said…….Tom..
tomaustin says
well said…….Tom………………………………………….
tomaustin says
well said…….Tom………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………^^^
Gaynell says
What a beautiful expression of your grieving and recovery process, Kelsi. I thought of some personal things to say, but instead i will just leave it at “grief looks different for every human and non-human.” Yes, it does and so does the healing. Each and everyone of us in our own time, in our own way.
Nancy Duryea says
Lovely words Kelsi and thank you for being so open with us about your feelings. It is so true, we all deal with grief differently. Love to you all.
tomaustin says
well said…….Tom
marianne says
Hi Tom,
You must have thought: “where is my comment?”, and pushed the submit button over and over….
I have had the same problem, but you know what happens is, you have to refresh the page and thèn you will see you comment. Don’t ask me why because I do not know ?
I hope this will help you.
Anne Woodward says
I’ve followed the Seven since the beginning and as they are all getting up in years, I’ve been dreading the day when one of them would pass. I thought it would be Negra, but instead it was Jody which was a shock. I am comforted knowing they are incredibly well cared for in a great environment and have the best life possible. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Linda C says
To be completely honest, Anne, I thought the same. Every time I’ve mentioned Neggie’s birthday cake this year, I think “don’t jinx it!”
Susan Kathleen Feeley says
Thank you for sharing that, Kelsi. You have all been in my thoughts and prayers this week after the tragic loss of sweet Jody. Time does heal but nothing takes away the beautiful memories you all have of Jody. It is a comfort to you having the chimps interaction as you all help each ther through this sad time. One thing, may I ask if Jody was buried at the sanctuary? Take care all of you and I send you love and hugs from across the world in Australia.
Marie says
I think when the Bray is open it will be so Refreshing and……Revitalize everyone……. I know I’ll be smiling for both sides ……..what an adventure……. when you see the Joy it gives them You Will Feel It, Too……..PEACE:kissing::kissing_heart:
Marie says
I’m so glad you have each other….time Heals
Saunie says
Thank you for everything you (all) do.
Kathy says
This was beautiful. Thank you all for what you do. Thank you for you genuinity, courage, kindness and being authentic. Blessings, Kathy
Linda C says
Kelsi, you and I seem to be a lot alike. Thanks for sharing your favorites with us. I noticed that in the video shared the other day, Neggie was playing Burrito’s lip game with Sofía! (just a slower version :slight_smile:). In the leafy greens pics you picked above (pun intended), I see Bubba requesting that Jo share some of Jrissy’s cabbage leaves, and it looks like Jo is saying “no way, Bubba!”. But m6 feed on YT has been throwing up videos I’ve already watched, and this morning, the algorithm chose Jo’s birthday vidro from last year. In which watermelon bowls were featured, and someone (let’s guess who) stole Foxie’s. Foxie came running in all upset, asking the camera person for reassurance, and then….Jody shared one of her bowls with Fox. :heart_eyes:
Thanks again for sharing your experiences and feelings from the week.
Gabby says
I think it is different also when a death is sudden and unexpected.
I am remembering an orangutan death after a period of hospice, the grace from her in those days.
In my tradition we burn a memorial candle that lasts a whole week. I think of it as a time in which the one who died is finding her place in my body, where she will be carried forever.
I know where she is, where another is, where a gorilla is, where my bulldog is, all within me.
Judy says
Kelsi for me your post was beautiful and because I am an “open emotion” person it was uplifiting. The opportunity to empahize with another being (human or non-human, in this case you 🙂 ) allows me to release the feelings that weigh on my heart and emotional well being. That release is uplifting. So as you said, every being experiences grief differenly and I wanted you, all of you, to know that this commuinity does so much good for all the hearts involved the world over. What a glorious thing for the chimps and all of us. Thank you CSNW and supporters, one and all.
Laura B. says
When Jody’s Family members were saying goodby to her we saw that they, too, expressed their grief differently. As you always do, whenever you can, you gave them choices. Come, or not. Linger or not. Touch, or not. Include the humans, or not. Groom, or not. None of them seemed to have a problem with how anyone else was coping, nor did have a problem with the presence of their caregivers. Grief is so very personal. We must all be able to find our way through it. We chose to rewatch Jody’s family lovingly tell her goodby.
Mary Garripoli says
In every instance of grief in my life, the only thing that has pulled me out of despair has been caring about someone else. LOVE, it turns out, is our healing superpower. You and the chimps are taking care of each other. You are blessed with so much love.
Maureen says
Exquisite. So touching to read, and actually uplifting in reading what you wrote from your heart. Thank you.
Kathleen says
It is beautiful that you can express a portion of your grief and the process of living with it. Sorrow can swallow you up. I think John Irving said it best in his book “Hotel New Hampshire” when he wrote “sorrow floats”. That always stuck with me and I find it to be so true. Eventually we find a place to hide or store our grief, our sorrow, but every now and then throughout our life it will resurface. Sorrow floats.
I appreciate hearing how the chimps lift your spirits. Negra and her gentle kisses, how healing! She amazed me in her loving goodbye to Jody. What a comfort she must be, sharing your grief in silent kisses and time spent together in your shared loss is a new part of sanctuary life. You always say you are there strictly to assist in allowing the chimps to live the best life possible but maybe part of their best life is being with you. Understanding you. Knowing you so well they find comfort in making you feel better. There is no doubt you are one big family. You are all so fortunate to have each other.
One day at a time. In your own way. Know we are here with you and for you.
Kathleen says
PS : I saved your links to your favorite past posts to read/watch over my morning cup of coffee. Made for a happy start to my day! Thank you for sharing these! I remembered my joy, pure exhilaration, over the little Foxie’s big adventure. So fun to read that one again. It’s no coincidence den mother Jody was single-handedly responsible for both Foxie and Neggie making their historic climbs. And I love how she leads them up, leaves them alone to take it all in, then awaits their return. Oh Jody….you will be deeply missed.
Arlene and Michael says
Kelsi thank you for sharing your feelings and your heart with us. I hope it helps you, as it helps us too. The way we each handle grief is as unique as the individuals we are. The support of others is uplifting. You are all so fortunate to have each other there, humans and nonhumans. This blog is an amazing support group for all of us too. You are all in our thoughts. I hope and pray for strength for these difficult times and for peace that will heal and comfort your hearts.
Caroline says
Tears falling from my eyes once again, what beautiful words from a beautiful soul. Grief takes time, but never really leaves us, you just find different ways to cope, mostly I try to avoid or deflect with humour, but it is always there. Thank you for sharing, and for caring. Love and hugs to you all; humans and chimpanzees!
marianne says
Dear Kelsi,
I also want to thank you for sharing your feelings of grief and heartfelt love for Jody, the chimpanzee and human CSNW family ( and I would like to think that “us blogpeople” are in a small way part of that too).
Being vunerable is not a weakness; on the contrary: it can be so powerfull to show the pain in your heart and to ask for help. ( I think Negra felt that).
It also can give others “permission” to be themselves because you created a safe environment by being authentic.
Lets keep on telling Jody-stories for a very long time, as long as we all need.
Lots of love from the Netherlands.
Peter Moody says
Requiescat in Pace, Jody Chimpanzee.
Sara Lissabet says
I am still trying to process this loss, especially for all the wonderful caregivers at CSNW. I lost my own Jo last November (my younger sister Joanne) and it has darkened the light of my spirit. I’ve been following CSNW since you opened and I know how dedicated you all have been to improving the lives of these captive chimpanzees. While watching a composition of images of Jody at the Sanctuary, I took some comfort in knowing that her life, in these past 15 years, was as happy as it could have been through CSNW’s dedicatication. I send all of you (especially Diana and JB) my deepest sympathy on the unexpected loss of a loved one.